Arrrrrg!
by Princess Bertha
Summary: COMPLETE! Slash, parody, humour. Four years after PotC1, Norrington, Jack and Will reunite to save Elizabeth, who has been kidnapped by a member of Barbossa's crew. jackxwill, norringtonxannamaria
1. One

Pairing: Jack/Will, but some others thrown in there too. 

Warnings: Slash, allusions to het, swearing, etc, etc, not so funny jokes, and major OOCness (for comedic purposes).

Note: In this fic, Jack won't be using much pirate slang (for comedic purposes) and Will will (hehe) be a moron. But a pretty moron none the less. This fic is supposed to be a parody or humor, so don't take any of it too seriously.

Disclaimer: Um, I think you can tell what's mine and what's not. The movie wasn't mine, because if it were, Elizabitch would have drowned in the beginning and the movie would have gone like this: J: Here Will, drink this rum. W: Thank you. J: you're pretty, take off your clothes. W: I don't think I've had enough rum to allow this sort of talk. Will drinks more rum W: Okay, I am drunk now. J: Take off your shirt. he does W: Kiss me Jack! he does THE END

Chapter Summary: Four years after the movie, Jack and Will reunite.

* * *

"Arrrrrg! Avast there Matey! Shiver me tim-"

"Please stop that." Jack said tiredly. For about the hundredth time. Meanwhile, Will was giving Jack a sad-puppy face.

"But Jack, I was only trying to be a pirate…" Will whined.

"Yes, that's nice. But pirates don't go around yelling 'Yarr' all the time."

"Savvy." Said Will.

"What?"

"It would have been better if you would have ended that sentence with 'savvy.'"

"Will, please shut up."

"Okay Jack." Will said happily. Silently he added "Arrrg!"

The two men were standing on the deck of the Black Pearl. Four years had passed since that fateful day when Jack plummeted from the cliff, into the murky blue depths below. Also known as the ocean. Will had proposed to Elizabeth, and she had accepted. For a few years the two lived happily, with Will working as a blacksmith while Elizabeth had secretly received money from her father to pay the bills. In fact, Governor Swann's money had even financed tutoring sessions so that Elizabeth could learn Spanish. The tutor's name was Raul, and it was his first job that didn't involve cleaning swimming pools.

In fact, Elizabeth spent so much time learning Spanish with Raul, (who, as far as Will could tell, had no last name,) that Will had taken over the raising of their daughter, Laurentina May. Laurentina May was born nine months after the couple's honeymoon, and so now was three and three months. Anyway, Will was glad to have so much time to raise little Tina (as he called her) and Elizabeth was glad to have so much time with Raul, learning Spanish. Her Spanish was coming along so nicely that, after only four years, she could already say "Hola, donde está la biblioteca?" Her husband was very impressed. Raul, who was an excellent language teacher, considering this was his first job which didn't involve cleaning swimming pools, believed that Elizabeth could learn more if she was immersed in Spanish. Which is why Raul and Elizabeth were currently in Madrid, where Will was sure that Elizabeth was learning lots and lots of Spanish, especially since she'd been there for the last two years.

Six months ago, Will was hammering away in his blacksmith's shop when Captain Jack Sparrow flounced through the door.

"Will!" Jack said, waving his hands vaguely about, as was his habit.

"Jack!" Will screeched, running to his friend and throwing his arms around the pirate. Jack blinked his kohl-lined eyes and then slowly embraced the young man.

"Will, I'm so glad you feel this way…." Jack said huskily in Will's ear.

Will released the dreadlocked man and smiled happily, holding Jack's hands. "Jack, old friend, how could I not be glad to see you?"

"Yes, I hoped, wished, dreamed that you'd feel that way…" Jack purred. He leaned in toward Will's supple lips-

"DADDY!" squealed Laurentina May, running into the room and jumping into her father's arms. Tina looked just like a little female version of her father, which means that she looked like a three year old Will in a dress, minus facial hair.

"What the hell is that?" Demanded Jack, gesturing with his hand toward the pint size Will.

"That, friend, is my daughter, Laurentina May."

"And what is it you were smoking when you named her?"

Will blinked his pretty eyes. "My wife named her."

There was a long pause, while Jack looked from Will to Laurentina May. "Wife?"

"Yes, Elizabeth and I are married."

"You married Elizabitch!" demanded Jack.

"Actually, her name is Elizabeth. Your pirate accent is so funny, Jack." Will giggled happily.

Jack was just beginning to realize that Will's hug had been an expression of friendship and not the product of four years of pent up sexual tension. Damn.

"Will…I…" Jack paused. He had not counted on Will being, well, heterosexual. "Old friend…"

Will nodded happily, encouraging Jack to continue. Laurentina May was meanwhile skipping around near some vats of molten iron.

"Will, I was wondering…." Jack paused to watch Tina juggle some daggers.

"If I would come be a pirate on your ship?" Will asked happily. Jack was speechless, although his hands didn't stop moving.

"How did you know?" asked the pirate, when he had regained speech.

Will blinked his deep, large, pretty, chocolate-colored, sensual, orgasm-inspiring eyes. Laurentina May swung back and forth on a large hook. (Which was similar to a meat hook, but surely had some blacksmith-related purpose)

"It just seems so obvious." (Laurentina giggled happily as she fell from the meat hook and landed on the broad side of one of Will's swords.) "Of course, I can't go."

"What!"

"Well, I have to stay and raise my daughter."

"Yes, and I can see that you are doing an excellent job of raising her." Jack said nodding toward Tina, who was licking one of the swords she had fallen on.

Eventually, Jack had convinced Will to come aboard the Black Pearl. He suggested Will leave Tina with Elizabitch, but Will explained that this was impossible, and his wife was on vacation. That was six months ago, and since then Will had been traveling with the Pearl.

Will was actually a terrible pirate. It wasn't as though he didn't try, but he had no idea what to do. So he copied Jack, which didn't turn out too well.

"Will, just stand there looking confused, ok?" Jack politely asked the young man one night. Silently he added 'because you are so much sexier when you look confused.'

"But Jack, I like waving my hands around like you do," whined Will. He'd spent the last hour attempting to perfect Jack's ability to speak with his hands while moving his eyes strangely and sashaying around the deck. He simply couldn't pull it off. "Well, if you won't let me speak like you, will you at least let me use Pirate-Talk?" Will pleaded hopefully.

Jack paused. "Will you swab the decks shirtless tomorrow morning?"

"Okay!" he agreed happily. "But why do I have to be shirtless?" (He was beginning to understand how Raul felt in his pool cleaning days.)

"Um….no reason….good for your tan….."


	2. Two

Chapter 2  
  
Note: Thank you to everyone who reviewed my first chapter! I was very unsure of how this fan fiction would be received, and I am overjoyed at your words of encouragement! Also, a special thank you to "Left Side," my beta reader.  
  
Chapter Summary: Jack learns something about Will's marriage, and Will remains unaware of Jack's not-so-subtle intentions. And also- some actual PLOT toward the end of the chapter! Yeah!  
  
Warnings: Same as before, OOC, slash, swearing, attempts at humor, obscure Weird Al references, and so forth.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The Black Pearl glided silently through the Caribbean waters, its dark sails filled with wind. A large yellow moon illuminated the sky; the same moon was reflected in the black ocean below. (Well, actually, it wasn't the same moon; see, because it was a reflection. The real moon was up in the sky. But nonetheless there was a large yellow moon, and it did have a golden reflection in the black waters below. The Caribbean waters, in fact.)  
  
A solitary figure stood on deck, staring out toward the unseen horizon. Shortly, he was joined by another solitary figure, and their combined solitarity was actually no longer so solitary. That is to say, there weren't alone any longer, as there were two of them. The original figure was Captain Jack Sparrow, and second figure was Anna Maria.  
  
Jack turned slowly and regarded the woman in the previously discussed moon light. "You still owe me a ship, you know." She teased him, walking over and joining him at the rail.  
  
"I thought we called it even when I made you first mate."  
  
"I don't feel like much of a first mate, since you gave 'that boy' my cabin."  
  
"Well," Jack paused, "I gave him that cabin so that Laurensue April would have some place to keep her toys-"  
  
If "First of all," Anna Maria rolled her eyes, "her name is Laurentina May, second, she doesn't have any toys, and thirdly, the only reason you gave him that cabin is because there is a door connecting it to yours."  
  
Jack's hands began to move, and his eyes to roll, but it was a few seconds before his brain could think of something to say. "Well, you see, um, that's because if there were a fire, then Laurentina May could escape and not be burned to death." Jack was rather proud of this excuse.  
  
"And if it were your cabin that were on fire, you wouldn't be helping her any."  
  
"Look!" Jack whirled around. "This has everything to do with safety and nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with my desire to tie Will to the mast and rip off his clo-" Jack stopped.  
  
"That's what I thought." Anna Maria stated calmly. Honestly, the Captain might as well sew "Jack's Bitch" on Will's shirt, for all the subtlety he employed. Not that the shirt would be seen, since Will never wore one (as Jack requested.)  
  
"You know, Captain," she began again, "I'm really glad you found someone to have a lasting relationship with."  
  
"Yeah, a relationship which consists of me and my Vaseline." Jack muttered under his breath.  
  
"What?" Anne Maria demanded. "You mean you two aren't.er.you know...?"  
  
"If we were, would I have him spend so much time swabbing the decks?"  
  
"Cleanliness is next to Godliness?" she suggested. When she saw that her friend's mascara-rimmed eyes were downcast, she gingerly patted him on she shoulder. "Look, why don't you make a move on him when we go into port tomorrow? I'll take Tina for the day, so you won't have to worry about that."  
  
Jack dried his eyes with the back of his sleeve, smearing eyeliner all over his face. "But what should I do?"  
  
"Just start by getting him drunk."  
  
"But how do you know he can't hold his alcohol?" Jack asked.  
  
"Um." There was a pause. "It just.sort of.makes sense?" she said hopefully.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Actually, she was quite wrong. Will could hold his alcohol. Very well, in fact. Well enough that Jack was peacefully blitzed beside him, while the young black smith was only a little impaired.  
  
"Hey, you," Jack said, gesturing toward a particularly unattractive woman (his rum goggles were fully on by now.) The woman walked over and regarded Jack haughtily.  
  
"Yeah? Whaddya want?" She demanded.  
  
"Do you have any bear claws?" Will asked happily, wanting to eat something other than peanuts.  
  
"Naw, we're outa bear claws!" said the Woman Employee, Not Currently Happy (also known as w.e.n.c.h.)  
  
"Um, seeing as how you are a whore and all," Jack began.  
  
"Excuse me?" The w.e.n.c.h. demanded angrily. "Excuse me? Just because I have rather large breasts, and happen to work in a tavern serving alcohol to pirates, you just assume I am selling myself?"  
  
Jack and Will blinked. This had never happened before.  
  
"Um, I know there is a right answer here, but I am not seeing it," Jack said, eating more peanuts in the vain hopes that the key to sobriety could be found in one.  
  
"Well, it just so happens that I AM a lady-of-the-night, but I am certainly not going to sleep with either of you!" She screamed, and then went off to complain to her Union representative.  
  
"I didn't want to have sex with you!" Jack yelled after her. "I just wanted to be able to call you a whore!"  
  
Will sipped his drink. "I've had sex before," he said happily. (The alcohol was finally starting to take effect.)  
  
Jack spun his head tiredly toward Will. "Yeah, I noticed," the pirate grimaced at an image of Laurentina May which popped into his head.  
  
"How did you know?" Will asked.  
  
"The little whelp who looks like you in a dress, minus the facial hair, kind of tipped me off."  
  
"Oh, yeah." Will stated cheerfully. "But, you know, it wasn't that great."  
  
Jack picked his head of the table and regarded Will drunkenly. "What wasn't that great?"  
  
"Sex. When I had sex, it wasn't that great."  
  
"Yeah, with Elizabitch I wouldn't imagine it would be." Jack dropped his head back on the table. "But I imagine it would get better with time," Jack said sadly, mentally conjuring images of HIS Will and THAT woman making love in all sorts of interesting places. The kind of places HE should be with Will in.  
  
"No, not really. Why, does it really get better after the first ten minutes?" Will asked innocently.  
  
"No, I mean, each time, you know, each time you," Jack forced away an image of Elizabitch wearing a black negligee and passionately kissing Will. "Each time, as you get used to her," and here Jack put maximum disdain on the word 'her,' "it should get better." Jack finished the sentence in his mind, 'unless you are secretly gay, and so could never enjoy sex with a woman.'  
  
"What do you mean, each time? Oh, you mean the second time it will be better!"  
  
Jack pulled his head off the table so quickly that the dreadlocks hit the chair behind him audibly. "You mean," the pirate couldn't disguise the glee in his voice, "that you only had sex once?"  
  
"Well, yes." Will said happily, as though two young people making love only once in their first four years of marriage was the most natural thing in the world.  
  
"This is the happiest day of my life!" Jack giggled drunkenly to himself.  
  
"Why is that, Jack? Is the rum that good?" asked the young, slender, tall, attractive, thin, effeminate, good-looking metal worker.  
  
Jack promptly passed out on the table, a gleeful smile across his face. Will sighed and picked up the pirate, casually throwing him over one shoulder. As Will trudged back to where the Pearl was moored, he wondered why everyone thought it was he who passed out, and Jack who was always carrying him back to bed. Will took the slumbering Captain to his lavish, expensive, exquisite, quarters and laid Jack on his large, massive, enormous, gold-plated bed with silk sheets and rubies and diamonds imbedded in the headboard.  
  
'Wow, this is sure a fancy bed' thought Will, as he gently dropped the older man onto the aforementioned bed. 'it must be because he's a pirate and he steals all this stuff from other ships.' Will pondered this for a few minutes. 'that's kind of creepy.Arrrrg!' Will added happily, still inside his head. Feeling suddenly empowered, Will whispered the word Jack had forbidden him to use, 'Arrrrg?' Seeing that the Captain didn't wake up, and that nothing terrible seemed to be happening as a result of using 'the word,' Will tried again, only louder. "Arrrg!" Soon, he was jumping up and down in Jack's quarters (also known as a room, but as this is about pirates, we need to be fancy about it) shouting "Arrrg!" at the top of his lungs.  
  
Picture it for a moment. Because that's exactly what Anna Maria saw when she opened the door to see what was the matter. Will spun around quickly, abruptly stopping his "Arrrgs."  
  
"What in the hell are you doing, boy?" She demanded.  
  
"I.was..uh..putting Jack to bed?" Will's pathetic excuse was really more of a question than an answer.  
  
"So you two are together then?"  
  
Will pursed his lips while he pondered the question. His face slipped in to that oh-so-sexy confused look. "Yes.I suppose now we are together in this same room." The blacksmith answered decidedly.  
  
Anna Maria rolled her eyes. "I mean, are you going out?"  
  
"Yes, I think we are going back into the city together tomorrow." Will was wondering if Anna Maria was drunk, asking him all these silly questions.  
  
"I MEAN" she screamed, loosing patience with the man before her. She began to wonder if he had somehow inhaled an interesting combination of metal vapors while working as a blacksmith. That would explain why he was so dense. But pretty nonetheless. "I mean, are you together in a gay sort of way?"  
  
"Yes, we are certainly happy, thank you for asking." Will was confused by the look that crossed the she-pirate's face. He was even more confused when she slammed the door, leaving him alone with the Black Pearl's Captain.  
  
The gorgeous, slender, youthful orgasm-inspiring crafter of metallic objects was just about to exit through the door connecting the Captain's quarters to his own, when the bedreadlocked man in eyeliner awakened from his alcohol induced slumber. "Will, where are you going?"  
  
Will turned around at the sound of his old friend's voice. "Oh, I was going to my quarters." (Also known as bedroom.)  
  
Jack sat up, but had apparently not slept off all of the alcohol, as the next think he said proved. "Will, you are really hot."  
  
"Yes, I am," Will agreed, feeling his shirt, now damp with perspiration. "How did you know? Why don't we open a window in here and then I'd cool off?" the blacksmith suggested.  
  
"Or you could take off you shirt?"  
  
"Good idea!" Will promptly removed his white, billowy pirate-esque shirt.  
  
"You know what always cools me down?" said Jack, who was quickly regaining sobriety and knew an opportunity when he saw one. "It always helps me to take off my shoes." Jack mentally finished the sentence 'because once your shoes are off, you can take off your pants.'  
  
Will nodded his head, and removed said shoes. "Here, Will, why don't you sit down on my bed here." Jack encouraged, gesticulating toward the side of his bed that was not occupied.  
  
"Why thank you Jack!" the younger brunette sat down on the edge of the bed. "Would you mind if I also took off my pants?"  
  
Jack could barely believe his luck. "I was just about to suggest it!" He sat up and moved closer to Will, while Will continued to give the room his happiest smile.  
  
Will undid his belt buckle. (which had a rhinestone skull and cross bone image on it. He had bought it to be more pirate-like. Under the picture was the word "Matey" in red glitter. Will thought it was pretty, and so did Laurentina May.) Jack began tapping one of his feet, willing the young man to speed up. Next, Will began untying the laces on his breeches. Jack leaned forward unconsciously. Lastly, the effeminate man slipped off his breeches very sexily. (You see, Will is the only person who can take off his pants sexily. Which is why the verb "slipped off" is used. Any other person would have been described as "jumping around on one leg while trying ungracefully to remove his pants, and falling flat on his face." But not Will. No, Will was very sexy when undressing.)  
  
The artist-whose-medium-was-metal was sitting on the corner to Jack's massive, gold-plated bed, now wearing only a pair of black silk boxers.  
  
"What the hell are those?" Demanded the ship's Captain, gesturing toward the black silk boxers.  
  
"These are black silk boxers," explained the chocolate-eyed young man.  
  
"What the hell does that mean?"  
  
Will decided now would not be an appropriate time to say "boxers made from black silk," nor would it be an appropriate time to say "savvy" or any other piratey words Jack didn't approve of him using. So instead he said, "They're underwear for men."  
  
(In fact, black silk boxers have not yet been invented at the time of Jack and Will's conversation, but Will owned a pair nonetheless. Let me endeavor to explain how it is that Will came to be in possession of such a fine pair of black silk boxers. He had found them in the wash one day, and had assumed they were a gift from his lovely wife. In actuality, they belonged to Raul, but as Raul owned lots of interesting underwear for men, he didn't really miss them.)  
  
Jack, who was viewing the black silk boxers as though they were his greatest enemy, was growling at the offending material.  
  
"Wow, I feel so much cooler Jack!"  
  
"Yeah, that's nice." the older man was having all sort of interesting images running through his mind, such as Will seated next to him in a tavern, his hand on Will's inner thigh. "Huh?" Jack's mind had just registered that Will had been speaking to him.  
  
"I said, 'Goodnight, Jack,' I'm going to bed."  
  
"You could just sleep in my room tonight?" Jack suggested hopefully to the black silk boxer wearing young man.  
  
"Jack," Will giggled, "You're so silly. My room is right through this door!" And with that, the iron artisan left his Captain's quarters (room).  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Even as the Black Pearl glided silently across the caliginous liquid (water), another being named Jack was hard at work. This dark creature was working tirelessly on a plan, a plan for revenge, revenge for the death of its Captain! Suddenly, and idea came to this Jack. A piercing and evil cackle escaped his lips, then he turned to his first mate and said "Set sail for Madrid!" 


	3. Three

Chapter 3 

Author's note: Thank you again to all those who took the time to review me! This chapter is my pathetic attempt to have a plot, but fear not, the craziness will pick up again once I have this annoying necessity out of the way.

Warnings: Slash, mocking of PotC characters, mocking of PotC fanfiction, you get the idea.

Special thank you to Melissa and Mello who suggested some of the things in this chapter.

* * *

Captain Jack Sparrow's eyelids fluttered slowly open. He groaned as he tried to make sense of the foggy room (quarters) around him. His russet eyes settled on that which had awakened him. 

"GOOD MORNING!" Yelled Laurentina May loudly, causing the pirate to grip his aching head.

"Too.much.alcohol..damn.brat.."

The almost-four-year-old giggled loudly. "You're so funny, Mr. Pirate!"

"Go away!" the man groaned.

"Okay!" said the product of Will mixing with 'the bitch' (as Jack had nicknamed her) as she began wandering around Jack's room, (quarters) touching the sparkly inlaid gems which covered every surface.

"Look, kid," Jack began, sitting up in bed slowly. "Don't you have some sort of imaginary kangaroo to go play with?"

"Whad're talking about?"

"You know, named Pun-taft or something?" suggested the hung-over pirate.

"Mr. Pirate, you're silly!" giggled the child, leaving his quarters. Jack was struck by how much Laurentina May's giggle sounded like her father's.

Meanwhile, up on deck, Will was practicing his pirate laugh. "Har Har Har!"

Anna Maria was steering the Pearl, while Gibbs sulked in the background. 'No one cares about me.' he thought miserably. 'oh, let's just make Anna Maria first mate, says Jack. Why don't I get to do anything!' Cotton, seeing that Gibbs was depressed, came over and patted his friend on the shoulder.

"Look, there's nothing to be so upset about. Some people get all the breaks. And look at it like this, Jack owes the lass a ship, so just let her be first mate and don't think too much on it."

Gibbs slowly looked at Cotton. "I thought your tongue was cut out."

"Shiver me timbers!" croaked Cotton's parrot.

The door from Jack's cabin swung open, and Laurentina May skidded onto the deck, giggling loudly. She was pursued by a very worn looking Captain Sparrow. Will promptly stopped "har har"-ing when he saw the older man.

"ANNA MARIA!" screamed the enraged eyeliner wearing, hair charm sporting, flamboyantly flaming pirate.

"Yes, Captain?"

"I thought you said you were babysitting the whelp!"

"I was. And now I am steering the ship," Anna Maria answered promptly.

Meanwhile, Laurentina May had run over to her father. Who, when Jack looked at him, made the older pirate stop dead in his tracks.

"Will..." the Captain began, "what the hell have you done to your hair?"

"Oh, this?' Will asked, fingering a dreadlock in with one hand, "it's a wig- "

Jack interrupted him. "YOU HAD A WIG MADE TO LOOK LIKE MY HAIR?"

"Well, yes, er, that is to say," Will fumbled around. He had thought Jack would be pleased to see his dedication.

"Will, you remember that conversation we had about the words 'savvy,' 'avast,' 'arrrg,' 'yarr,' and 'matey?'"

"Yes," Will said slowly, unsure of where this was going.

"Well, the wig is like that!"

"Um, but Jack," Will pouted, "The wig isn't a word...see, it's a thing?"

Jack was torn. He didn't want to deny the young, attractive, orgasm inspiring man anything, but at the same time, his attempts at being a pirate were bloody annoying. Er, really annoying, not bloody annoying. 'Bloody' was also on the list of words he had forbidden Will to utter.

Will sadly removed the dreadlock wig. It had been quite expensive, especially with the beads. He handed his prized possession to his daughter, who skipped away with it down stairs.

"I'm sorry Jack," Will began, looking very pathetic.

"Oh, Will-" Jack rushed forward an embraced the black smith. "Will, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." Jack had no idea why he was being so sensitive, but it probably had something to do with the sad (hot), vulnerable (hot), pathetic (really hot), look on Will's face. "Come on, Will, let's go down to my room and I'll cheer you up."

"You know, Jack," cut in Anna Maria, lazily resting on the ship's wheel. "It's truly disgusting how you plan to take advantage of the boy."

Fortunately for Jack, Will was too busy moping to hear this. Suddenly, the taller man burst into a fresh wave of tears. "Oh.Jack.I'm so sorry!" he sobbed, "I just wanted to be a pirate, I didn't realize how annoying I would be!"

Jack patted Will's back, still trying to tug him into his cabin. "No, no, it was my idea for you to come on board," 'or be boarded,' Jack silently added.

"Hey, that's right!" said Will. "Oh, Jack, you're the best friend I've ever had!" Will broke away from Jack's none-too-innocent embrace and began frolicking around the ship gleefully.

"Gibbs!" Shouted the Captain. "Steer the ship for a while, so I can have a word with Anna Maria."

Gibbs looked up from the corner he was crying dejectedly in. "Oh, sure, now I get to do something," he grumbled. In the background, Will was trying to teach his three year old daughter to sword fight. Laurentina May was wearing the Jack-wig and brandishing a dagger while screaming "yarr." Which was just about what her father was doing.

Anna Maria and Jack were in heated discussion. "Your oh-so-wonderful getting him drunk plan didn't work too well!" Jack hissed at his first mate. "Wait, on second thought, I did learn that he'd only had sex with Elizabitch once, and he didn't enjoy it, and I also got to see him nearly naked-" Jack was interrupted by Cotton's yelling.

"Captain, another ship is approaching us very quickly!" Yelled Cotton, which is very interesting since Cotton has no tongue and shouldn't be able to talk.

"What? It's impossible for any ship to be as fast as the Pearl!" reminded Gibbs, who seemed to have a strange vendetta against the author of this story's attempt to have a plot.

"I'll fight them!" Offered Will happily, brandishing his sword while little Tina jumped up and down, dreadlocks flopping, swinging her dagger and yelling "Yarrrrr!"

"Sir, the ship's name is 'The Ludicrously Fast Ship Somehow Related to the Plot,'" announced Anna Maria, who had pushed Gibbs away from the wheel.

"Outrun them!" ordered Jack, who has temporarily forgotten that TLFSSRTTP was the faster ship. Ludicrously faster, in fact.

"But Sir," said Anna Maria, "I have the strange feeling we need to talk to them. I believe they will tell us something that we absolutely need to know, that will send us on a new coarse, headed for action, adventure, and- "

"Hey, isn't that Norrington steering TLFSSRTTP?" asked Jack, whose eyes were rolling at 3.2 times their normal speed.

Suddenly, TLFSSRTTP was speeding along next to the Pearl. (Actually, this took about half an hour, but as saying this would require a detailed account of what happened during said half hour, 'suddenly' will be used instead, because even though it is less accurate, it is easier to read. Nothing of consequence transpired during the elapsed half hour, except perhaps when Will got into a rather heated argument with Cotton's parrot about cheese, which, while being an amusing fact, is in no way related to the plot, unlike TLFSSRTTP, which is, in fact, somehow related to the plot. And, additionally, is ludicrously fast.)

"You there, vile pirate!" shouted Norrington from his TLFSSRTTP.

"Oooooh! Hello!" Screamed Will, who was thrilled to have just been called a pirate.

"Turner?"

"Yes, Commodore Norrington?"

"What are you doing on a pirate ship?"

Will's face fell. "You mean you didn't travel all this way to make a pathetic attempt to arrest me and make me pay for my heinous pirate crimes?"

"What pirate crimes have you committed?" shouted back Norrington.

"I.er..lots of them!" Will yelled hopefully, sending a pleading look toward Jack, willing the pirate to agree with him.

"Well," Jack said comfortingly, "I am sure you will eventually commit a crime." To date, Wills 'heinous pirate crimes' included only those he'd committed four years ago, plus jaywalking.

"Turner, is Elizabeth is Spain?" yelled Norrington, across the distance between the two ships.

"Yes, she's learning Spanish!" answered Will.

"She is? I thought she was on vacation!" said Jack, who was yelling even though this comment was directed toward Will. The young iron artisan had never explained to Jack the specifics of Elizabeth's absence. Not that Will was aware of them all.

"Why don't we bring Norrington onto our ship so we can actually hear what the hell he's saying," muttered Anna Maria, whose philosophy went like this: Men are complete and utter morons, especially the piratey-inclined ones.

"Oh, yes, that's a great idea," muttered Gibbs under his breath. "Let's just bring over the man who tried to hang our Captain four years ago!" Gibbs was still feeling underappreciated.

Nevertheless, Norrington was brought over to the ship, in ways which are typical of seafaring people. (this is a way of saying the author of this fic has no idea how in the hell Norrington got on their ship, and doesn't want to reduce him to swinging on a rope between the ships. Although that's probably what happened. Poor little Tarzan-Norrington. Where were we?) Norrington quickly swung across to the deck of the Black Pearl on a rope.

"Turner, you utter moron," the Commodore began, "what are you doing out in the middle of the ocean with Jack Sparrow?"

"Captain," Jack reminded pointedly.

"I'm..er...I don't actually know," Will said slowly. After spending six months aboard the Pearl, Will was just beginning to realize that, in truth, he had absolutely no reason for joining Jack's crew. So instead, he made up some bullshit about wanting adventure, which seemed to satisfy Norrington. That is, until Will said something about the call in his blood.

"Call in your blood?" demanded the Commodore, rolling his eyes. "That is the most tired cliché I have heard all month!"

Will was taken aback. Jack would have been too, but he was cleaning his nails with a cutlass (pirate butter knife.)

"My father, he was a pirate." Will flailed. "So, er, now I want to be a..well.now I want to be a pirate."

"Oh, I see!" Norrington mocked, as only stuffy, upperclass Brittish men can mock. "What if your mother had been a dental hygienist? Would you then run off to a technical college?"

Will blinked his large, pretty, chocolate eyes. "But my mother wasn't a dental what-you-call-it-"

"BUT IF SHE WERE, WOULD YOU BE ONE TOO?" screamed Norrington.

"No," sighed Gibbs tiredly. "He would only become a dental hygienist if his FATHER had been one. Which he wasn't, so really, this is an entirely moot hypothetical question."

Which was a fairly accurate statement, but as no one listens to, or cares in any way about Gibbs, no one heard him. (No one cares about Gibbs because Gibbs isn't pretty. Which brings up the answer of why people care about Norrington, for which I have no answer. )

"Turner, you still haven't answered my question. Is Elizabeth on board this ship?" the Commodore asked, remembering that he had a duty to serve to the plot. "Where are you keeping her?"

"I told you, she's in Madrid, learning Spanish. She's been there for the last two years."

"TWO YEARS?" everyone on deck yelled. This included Jack, Norrington, Anna Maria, Cotton, Cotton's parrot, some other crew members, and lastly, Gibbs.

"Well, yes. My Elizabeth has always been dedicated to learning."

"First of all, no she hasn't." says Norrington, who apparently isn't aware that authors can make up any background information they so choose. He never told Will what 'secondly' was, since Jack decided to contribute.

"Well, mate," the Captain began, (Will's eyes were wide with Jack's sudden pirate-ness) "Yer standing on me ship, and you've obviously somthin' to say, but I have no idea what it is. So why don't ye be getting' on with it, then."

"Why, yes," Norrington resumed stuffily, "I am on my way to Spain, in search of Elizabeth." Will began to say something about how Norrington still hadn't given up on trying to steal his woman, when the Commodore cut him off, "You fool. Her father received a letter from a man named Raul. He says that Elizabeth has been kidnapped. I went to that hole you call a smithy, but you weren't there. The Governor has sent me to bring back his daughter."


	4. Four

Author's Note: Wow, it's been about 3 years since I've updated. I feel really guilty. I honestly have been thinking about updating this for ages. I almost posted a chapter last August, but since I never actually wrote the chapter, it didn't happen. This is going to be short to sort of test the waters to see if anyone out there still wants to read this thing. As always, please review. It will really help me know if I should continue. Even if all you say is 'yes, write more' I would appreciate it.

I'd like to give some fabulous reason for why I've been away for so long. Will 'high school' cut it? And then last summer I graduated, and since then I've been living in London, so that's been taking up my time.

Maybe I've been brought back to this because every time I go to the cinema I see the giant posters of Will and Jack (Don't you think Will looks sooo much better in these posters than he did in the old one? And is it just me or is it the same picture of Elizabitch as last time?)

I read a book a few weeks ago called 'The Pirates! In an adventure with the Scientists!' and it provided some of the inspiration for me to take up this fic again.

Disclaimer: I don't think I'm the sort of person who would be trusted to own anything.

Warnings: Slashy-ness and parody.

* * *

'You're funny, Mr Ice Cream Man!' giggled Laurentina May, for about the 10th time that minute. Commodore Norrington just glared at the accursed little brat. Three days, for three days he'd been on the horrible, stinky pirate ship with the horrible stinky pirates and this evil little monster, who seemed to think that the greatest pleasure imaginable was derived by calling him 'Mr Ice Cream Man.' 

Commodore Norrington had never taken well to remarks about his hair.

And all this because that wretched Jack Sparrow couldn't be trusted. When Governor Swann had come to him with a note from some 'Raul' person, saying that Elizabeth had been kidnapped, Norrington had gone to find the Idiot Blacksmith who called himself Elizabeth's husband, only to find a note scrawled on letterhead saying 'Arrrrrrgh! Avast Matey! I be off with Captain Jack Sparrow! Yarrrr!' and about 17 exclamation points. It was dated 6 months ago. Norrington had been avoiding visiting Elizabeth and the Fool Metal Worker because seeing them together was just…. Ew. And after Elizabeth had given birth to a mini-Will in a dress (minus facial hair), Norrington had gone on a super important mission for England which helped him forget about his lost love and her with that…. that… that….. single brain cell parading as a human.

After he had acquired the Ludicrously Fast Ship Somehow Related to the Plot, he had gone in search of Will, assuming the idiot could give him more information about Elizabeth's whereabouts. He'd been wrong. Norrington wasn't surprised- Will was too stupid to care enough about his wife's whereabouts. He probably didn't even notice when she left, Norrington thought bitterly, he was probably too busy staring at himself in the mirror. Well, the Commodore reasoned, if Elizabeth had decided to plight her troth with that halfwit instead of with him, a proper man (tall, reserved, terribly British, with a stylish wig) then that was her problem.

He had found Will easily; although the Black Pearl had been at sea for six months, it had actually just been sailing around the same island over and over again. Norrington explained the situation to The Stinky Pirates and The Twerp but Will had been reluctant to leave the Black Pearl (He had fallen on his knees, grabbed hold of Jack's leg, and screamed 'Don't make me give up being a pirate!' Jack had looked strangely red in the face at this.') and so Norrington and the rest of his crew had no choice but to bring whole lot of pirates with them to Spain, dragging their disgusting pirate boat/ship along behind the LFSSRTTP. Norrington tried to cheer himself up by thinking that the LFSSRTTP was making ludicrous speed, so at least he wouldn't have to be with the pirates too long. Just looking at them made him ill. And he hadn't had a proper cup of tea in days!

Norrignton was aboard the Pearl so he could make sure Jack Sparrow didn't try anything sneaky. The only thing Jack seemed to be doing was to force The Ignoramus to swab the deck shirtless about four times a day. Norrington sighed. Sometimes he really hated his life.

While Norrington had been staring out across the black waters of the Atlantic, lost in his meditation, Laurentina May had gone off to play with her new tank of pet piranhas. Anna-Maria was steering the ship. Gibbs was off whining to Cotton about how no one ever cared about him, and Cotton was telling Gibbs to be more philosophical about it.

Meanwhile, was hiding in Will's wardrobe, smelling his shirts. Suddenly, in a sudden and surprising manner, Will opened the door to his wardrobe. He regarded Jack in a confused (sexy) way. 'Jack? What are you doing in my wardrobe?'

Jack started to roll his eyes, hoping it would trigger words. Eventually Jack said, 'I was inspecting your clothes… to make sure they… were sufficiently piratical….'

A look of utter delight came over Will. He began jumping up and down. 'OH YAY! DID I PASS! DID I PASS!' He screamed. Jack blinked.

'Well… no.' Will looked as if he was about to cry. 'Your shirts aren't quite… billowy enough. So I have to confiscate them.' Jack grabbed all of the shirts, trying to ignore the look of hurt in Will's milk-chocolate eyes. (Mmm chocolate.) The boy was actually sniffling! 'It's okay, Will,' said the Captain, patting Will's arm slowly. 'If you want, I can give you 'special pirate lessons' tonight….' Jack new he was going out on a limb, but what the hell, he was desperate.

'Yay! Jack! You're the best friend I've ever had!' The blacksmith threw his arms around him, pinning him against the back of the wardrobe. Suddenly, Will released him and grabbed his belt off the ground. It was the one that had a rhinestone Jolly Rodger on it, with 'Matey' scrawled in glittery red paint. 'Ooooh! I've been looking for this for days!' And with that, he skipped off, threw himself down on his bed, and started to read 'How to Reach Full Your Piratical Potential In Just Seven Days!' by someone called 'Ginger-Beard' Jack suspected that this 'Ginger-Beard' wasn't even a real pirate.

Jack extricated himself from the wardrobe and sat on the corner of Will's bed. 'Will… would you like to know something about pirates?' He asked in what he hoped was a husky voice. Actually, Will just thought he had a cold. Will put down his book and stared happily at the Captain.

'Yes! Jack! Tell me!' Will rocked onto his knees and moved closer to Jack, who was moving his hands around as always, but in a happier way.

'Well…' Jack paused. He told himself it couldn't hurt to try. 'Well, you see, Will,' Will was staring at him with a look of sheer concentration. It looked painful. It also looked sexy. 'Well, sometimes pirates get lonely….' Will was still staring at him with those heavenly eyes. The boy pursed his lips.

'But they have their crews…?'

'Yes! But… what the don't have… is lots of women.' Jack stopped to see if Will was following along.

'That's because Gibbs says women are bad luck.' Will seemed happy to know some Pirate-Lore. 'But we have Anna-Maire! So it's not like there are no women around.'

'Yes, but,' Jack bit his lip. 'some pirates don't even like women.' Will nodded at this, obviously remembering how horrible it had been to be with Elizabitch. 'So when they get lonely, they want to be with…. Other men.' Will was still nodding happily. Suddenly he stopped.

'Oh, sorry, Jack, I was thinking about this really catchy sea-shanty that Cotton taught me, I forgot to listen!' Will was very embarrassed to have missed such a crucial lesson in pirate-osity. 'Tell me again?'

Jack glared at him. Sometimes, he was actually useless. 'I said, sometimes pirates realise they don't like women and then they want to be with other men.'

Will looked confused (sexy) at this. 'But that's not fair to Anna-Maria!' he said. 'if we all decided to sing sea-shanties one night, and we made Anna-Maria go away because she's not a boy, that would be mean! And she's a pirate, just like us!'

'Will, I don't mean like that. I mean, sometimes, a pirate just wants to be alone with one other pirate…' Jack leaned forward and put his hand on Will's knee. Will looked down at his hand.

'DADDY I LOVE YOU!' Squealed Tina, barging into the room and jumping on her father. 'You're the best Daddy ever!' She wrapped her arms around his neck.

'And you're the best daughter ever!' Squealed Will, hugging his mini-self tightly. Jack considered shooting himself. Instead, he left Will's quarters (room) to go up on deck and check on his crew.

He found Norrington standing on the bow, sucking a lime. He started to laugh.

'You laugh now,' Norrington said dryly, 'but when you get scurvy and die, I'll be the one laughing.' Norrington imagined Jack dying. It made him very happy indeed.

Will wandered up to where they were standing. He was carrying Laurentina May. Both Jack and Norrington visible shuddered. Will set her down and she immediately ran off to play on a stack of cannonballs.

'Hey Jack, want to hear a pirate joke?' Will asked happily. Norrington snorted.

'I have one,' muttered the Commodore, 'there once was a pirate. He was called Jack Sparrow. He died of scurvy. Ha ha.'

'Captain Jack Sparrow,' Jack reminded, absently. He was watching Tina jump up and down on the top of the cannonball pile.

'My joke is more funny,' Will said. 'If there is a pirate ship carrying blue paint, and a pirate ship carrying red paint, and they sail into each other, what happens?'

'All the pirates die and no one cares?' suggested Norrington.

'No, silly! They get marooned!'

Norrington and Jack blinked. From the Crow's Nest, someone yelled, 'Land! I see Spain on the horizon!'

* * *

I hope everyone has enjoyed this new chapter. Please, please, please let me know what you think or if you are interested in me writing more. I know it's short, but I just wanted to see how it was received. 


	5. Five

Author's note: I am actually making a concerted effort to finish this fic. If you like it, please review. If you hate it, please review. I genuinely want to know what people think. Chapter 4 was less silly than chapters 1-3, which is all part of my plan to have an actual plot.

In other news, I still don't own Pirates of the Carribean. I won Laurentina May and Raul though. Maybe the studio will trade me those two for Jack and Will?

* * *

The Ludicrously Fast Ship Somehow Related to the Plot skimmed across the murky waters of the Atlantic at breakneck pace. Fortunately for our Pirates and Icecream Cone Head, no one was actually breaking their necks. Well, Gibbs might have done; no one is ever really sure what's going on with Gibbs, since no one actually cares about Gibbs.

But far off, in an undisclosed secure location, another Jack was scheming. This Jack had an English accent, as all villains are wont to. He was also only about a foot tall. He was eating a banana and eyeing the prisoner who was struggling pathetically. It amused him.

'Miss Swann,' he all-but purred, 'what are we going to do with you?'

Elizabeth glared at the evil being before her. 'If you like pain, you should try wearing a corset!' she screamed. Jack twitched.

'Woman, you do not understand the severity of your situation.' He ate another bite of banana. His former Captain had always been fond of apples but Jack preferred bananas. Call it instinctual. He paused and waited.

'If you like pain, you should try wearing a corset.'

'Have you never seen a single action movie or read a book in your entire life?' Jack nearly screamed, 'Now is the time for you to tell me how your beloved, William Turner, is coming to rescue you, you stupid woman! And then I can laugh manically and tell you that it was my plan all along! That I've been tirelessly plotting for four years to take revenge on that twit you call a hero! That you are only a pawn in my game of destruction!'

'If...' the woman started, 'youlikepainyoushouldtrywearingacorset!' she spat in Jack's furry little face. He was not pleased.

'Listen to me, fool of a woman!' the tiny monkey bellowed, drawing himself up to his full height. 'It wasn't funny the first time, so why must you persist in saying it?' With that, Jack turned and left the woman alone in the darkness. He couldn't stand to be in her company longer than necessary. Just looking at her made him want to throw himself out of a cathedral window and hope the glass got him on the way down.

The Ludicrously Fast Ship Somehow Related to the Plot was still skimming the Atlantic waters. Random Pirate Number 4 was stationed in the Crow's Nest, watching as Spain drew ever closer. RPN4 could also see a bit of Portugal, because, you know, geography, but this isn't important. Captain Jack Sparrow was standing authoritatively on the prow of the Black Pearl. The effect was slightly ruined by the LFSSRTTP dragging the Pearl along behind it. On the prow of the Ludicrous stood Commodore Norrington, who had used a sufficiently nautical method to get back to his ship. Beside Jack stood Will, wearing a fake eye-patch and holding a hook in his right hand. The Captain would have told him off, except that Will was standing close enough to him that he could feel the heat from Will's body and Jack was expending all his energy trying to keep from breaking out in a silly grin. To create the right 'Pirate Coming Into Port' look it's crucial to have a sort of all-knowing not-quite-smirk. Behind Commodore Norrington stood Gillette. Gillette had just finished shaving. It was a favourite pastime of his. Spain grew ever closer on the horizon.

Below deck, the First Mate was in conversation with the ex-First Mate. 'When we be landin',' Gibbs said in his awkward plodding way, 'I be wantin' some respect around here.' Anna-Marie snorted.

'You're not pretty. Get over it. No one cares about me either. Do you know why?'

Gibbs screwed up his face in anger toward pretty people everywhere. 'Because you ain't pretty?' She punched him in the face. Hard.

'Of course I'm pretty. The reason no one cares about me is because I'm a woman.'

'Ah, and you're bad luck.'

'No. I'm a threat. I'm a threat to Jack and Will. The only people who care about me are people who think that my ambition in life is to bring more mini-Jacks into the world.'

Gibbs thought about this, sucking in his cheeks and pursing his lips. 'Ye be sayin' you don't want Jack babies?' This was news to Gibbs. He assumed that anything female loved the Captain. Especially barmaids, w.e.n.c.h.e.s. and all those strange young women who kept appearing on the deck of the Pearl wearing stiff blue trousers and claiming to be from the future. To be fair, though, Gibbs remembered, they weren't all keen on Jack. Some of them went after Will. One of them almost sneaked into Will's bed. Fortunately, the Captain had been sneaking in the same direction so the girl's plan had been foiled. Originally Jack had wanted to kill all of the annoying girls; they were utterly useless creatures who couldn't even tie simple knots in the rigging. And all the jumping up and down screaming, 'deflower me!' got a bit annoying after awhile. Anna-Marie had suggested that rather than walking the plank, the girls be forced to look after Laurentina May. After about three hours the young women had all willingly thrown themselves overboard muttering about how they should have gone to Middle Earth or become Sexy American Exchange Students at some place that had to do with warty pigs. Or something. Gibbs didn't really care.

Cotton wandered over slowly, parrot on shoulder. 'No one appreciates me either.' He said. The parrot said, 'Me hearties!'

Indeed, all was as it should be; The crew of the LFSSRTTP were making preparations. Norrington was still standing majestically on the prow. Gillette was fantasising about shaving himself.

The Spanish port workers scurried to make preparations as the two ships pulled in. The sight of one of the Crown's ships pulling a slightly demonic-looking pirate ship with black sails got no reaction from the Spaniards. They were used to Mad English People.

Let us pause for an instant. Let us imagine how the author of this story has described in Charles Dickens-esque detail how Norrington and Gillette disembarked from the Ludicrous and how Jack, Will, Anna-Marie, and Gibbs joined them on land. We will picture Cotton, having drawn the short straw, being forced to remain onboard the Pearl to look after Laurentina May, who had found her way into the ship's stash of cannon powder. In our imagination, let us picture the author describing the group wandering into town, and in very broken Spanish on the part of Norrington, and very good Spanish on the part of Jack (who, as a pirate who sailed such former Spanish colonies as Tortuga and Isla de los Muertos, actually could speak Spanish) and a few 'Arrrrg!'s from Will, the party eventually found the home of Raul and Elizabeth. Now, we shall imagine our author picking up the tale here, with Norrington about to barge into the house.

'At last!' Gillette panted, resting against the side of the house. 'I thought we'd never find it!'

Will, forgetting that Pirates do not fraternise with Royal Navy, wiped the sweat off his brow and said to Gillette, 'I know! It took hours just to find this place!'

Norrington coughed. Everyone paid attention to him again. 'I shall be breaking down this door now, in the name of the King!' Norrington straightened himself, adjusted his Ice Cream Cone Wig and charged at the door. Nothing happened. He did it again. And again. He stopped to gather his dignity. Will, who had been slowly backing up, took the opportunity to run straight into the door, screaming 'YAR! AVAST! ARRRRG!' Predictably, the door opened a fraction of a second before Will hit it. There was a loud 'umph' as Will tackled the Spaniard.

'Raul?' Will asked, looking down. Jack was mildly jealous.

'El Espouso!' Raul stammered.

'The Spanish tutor?' said Anna-Marie, who had decided to take charge of the situation before it degenerated into everyone saying 'the annoying sidekick,' 'the pompous naval officer,' and so forth. She strode forward into the house, past the mass of Will and Raul. Raul's house looked as if it had been recently ransacked by someone very, very small. Jack grabbed Will by the scruff of the neck and hauled him up. He shot Raul a look of pure hatred.

Gillette, on sudden inspiration from the Author's Attempt at Plot, asked, 'Raul, what happened to Ms Swann…er….Mrs Turner?'

Raul, who had gotten off the ground and was looking around at the circle of Mad Royal Navy/Pirates/dejected husbands was slow to respond. Norrington grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him vigorously. 'What have you done with Elizabeth?'

'She….' Raul began in his awkward English, 'she…is…how do you say? Kidnapped. By the little monkey.'

Jack finally let go of Will's neck and the young blacksmith ran to Raul. 'Raul, please, where is Elizabeth? I have to save her!'

Raul gave Will a confused look. Unlike Will's confused look, Raul's look merely looked confused and not sexy confused. 'I told you, she is kidnapped by the monkey. But uh…why… why are you coming to find her?'

Will got a far off gleam in his eye. He gave the impression of having rehearsed this speech. 'Even though I am a cold-blooded pirate who delights in sacking villages, Elizabeth is my wife and I love her very, very much. Although I may appear to be a villain who cannot be trusted, I have the heart of a hero. I will do anything to save my Elizabeth!'

Raul knotted his brows together. He looked from Norrington, to Gillette, to Anna-Marie, to Jack, back to Will. He did not look at Gibbs. 'But aren't you angry that she, uh, how do you say…. Left you?'

No one said anything. Norrington was torn between being glad his Elizabeth had left The Twit and angry that she'd given herself to this...Spanish tutor. Gillette was remembering the feel of the razor and shaving lather. Jack was thinking about Will without his shirt. Anna-Marie was thinking about who the 'little monkey' could be and where Elizabeth could have been taken.

Will looked confused (sexy.) 'She left to learn Spanish… why shouldn't I save her?'

Norrington could take no more. 'You utter nitwit! Elizabeth left you! She doesn't love you and she never did. You're such a horrible husband that Elizabeth ran away to Spain with her lover so she wouldn't have to spend another minute in your intolerable presence!' If Norrington hadn't been English, he would have said this with some sort of emotion, probably anger. Instead it came out as a forceful monotone. Everyone found something interesting to look at in a direction away from Will, who had begun to tear up. Gibbs wandered off without anyone noticing.

'She… left me?' he whimpered, 'but… I lo…I lo… I love…. I love her…' he moaned miserably. Jack was also miserable. He was filled with the nearly overpowering urge to kiss Will's tears away. Fortunately he didn't. This would have been a highly unpiratical thing to do.

Will was well on his way to crying a small inland sea. Jack patted him on the back slowly.

It was Raul's turn to look confused. (again. Everyone takes turns looking confused.) 'But, Elizabeth said you knew about us…' Will gasped through his tears and turned to Jack, burying his face in the pirate's chest. This took effort since Will is actually taller than Jack by several inches. Raul continued, 'she told me you wouldn't, how do you say, she told me you wouldn't mind.' Jack slowly embraced the young man. 'She said you were, um, gay.'

Norrington made a strange coughing noise. Will looked up and glared at Raul. 'No, actually, I am NOT very happy right now, you big….jerk!' Jack shushed him and led him over to a very decrepit coffee table and a broken-looking sofa. (Raul's salary as a pool-boy turned tutor did not leave much money for finery.)

'Incidentally,' Raul said to Will, who was crying on Jack's shoulder, 'I think you have a pair of my black silk boxers?' Will's sobbed louder.

'You are truly disgusting,' said Norrington.

'Am I the only one who remembers Elizabeth?' asked Anna-Marie, who had been going through Raul's personal possessions in search of anything that could help them on their mission.

'Let the bitch die!' Jack said. Will cried harder.

'I will save her,' Norrington said calmly. 'Gillette will assist me.'

'I must come as well! I cannot leave my beloved Elizabeth!' Raul joined Norrington and Gillette in the centre of the room in a sort of comically determined pose.

Will continued crying. Everyone took that to mean that he would help save Elizabeth. Anna-Marie gave a sort of grunt. 'Yeah, right, boys, someone has to make sure we don't all die.' They looked at her. 'That means I'm coming.'

Will had slipped down so he was resting his head on Jack's stomach, rather than chest. Jack was staring into space with his eyes wide, one hand hovering an inch above the young man's head. He was clearly trying to make up his mind about something.

Gibbs chose that moment to stumble back into the room with something clutched in his fist. He sniffled. 'Not that any of you care, but I'm coming too…' There was something different about Gibbs that no one could quite place.

'Well, that's six of us,' said Anna-Marie, who had likewise moved into the centre of the room. Gillette was having trouble holding his determined and heroic pose. 'Captain?' Anna-Marie asked. 'Uh, Captain Jack Sparrow?' But Jack was still staring at a point just above the horizon line. His hand had moved fractionally closer to Will's head and his pupils were dilated. Will was snivelling into his stomach. 'Captain, are you coming with us?' Seeing that it was pointless, she threw a glass figurine at Jack's head. Raul let out a small squeak; the figurine had belonged to his grandmother.

Jack looked over at the collected group. He blinked. Anna-Marie repeated her question which was met by the Captain's exasperated glare. 'Can't you see I'm _busy_ right now?'

'He's obviously coming,' said Gillette. 'Because otherwise there'd just be six of us. You can't have a party of six. It's me, the Commodore, Lady Pirate, William Turner, the Pirate No One Cares About and the Pirate We've Heard Of.'

Norrington glared at him. 'We bloody well aren't taking a load of stinking pirates with us when we go to rescue Elizabeth. They'd just mess everything up, and you can't trust them.'

'Excuse me!' Gibbs finally shouted. Everyone sort of glanced at him eventually. 'Yes, me! Look at me! I hate you all! None of you understand me! You're like my parents! Only worse!' Gibbs had tears in his eyes. It was making his eyeliner run.

Anna-Marie was the first to catch on. 'Gibbs! Are you wearing eyeliner?' Gibbs nodded indignantly. He held up a bottle of Elizabeth's eyeliner which he had pilfered whilst everyone was arguing earlier. Pilfering was one of Gibbs's main piratical skills.

This roused Jack out of his lustful daze. 'Gibbs, Will and Laurentina May making wigs of my hair is one thing, but you blatantly ripping off my makeup is another! If you want people to pay attention to you, then stop being such a poser!' Jack said all of this in one fluent sentence, stopped, remembered his hand signals, and then went back mouthing the words he'd said whilst waving his hands and rolling his eyes. Being a pirate took a lot of skill and Gibbs had caught him unawares.

'Whatever! You are so not the boss of me!' Was everyone imagining it, or did Gibbs's voice crack? 'I'm not wearing this eyeliner to be like you, I am wearing it because it is the only way I can express that I'm different! I'm emotional!' With that, he stomped outside Raul's house. The effect was somewhat ruined because Gibbs could not find his way back to the Pearl and the Ludicrous alone, so he had to wait around the corner. He crossed his arms and leaned against a building.

Everyone was puzzled. Especially Raul, but that was because he didn't speak English very well. Gillette turned to the Commodore, 'Sir, he does know he's not being very original, since the Other Pirate wears eyeliner too, right? So his plan of rebellion isn't working.' He was rewarded with yet another glare from Norrington, who apparently really likes to glare.

Will had dried his tears and was glaring with hatred at Raul. Anna-Marie was talking to Jack. 'Captain, I always knew there was something emotional about Gibbs. He is always, "I have a sense of foreboding" and "I have another sense of foreboding,"' Anna-Marie shook her head sadly.


	6. Six

Author's note: Thank you to everyone who has been reading and reviewing, your support means a lot to me. Seriously, I love reviews, and I need feedback for this. To all the readers who have yet to review: please, I am begging you. I want to know what you like and what you want to see happen. As an added bonus, I will give anyone who reviews part of my soul. I am that desperate.

* * *

Jack was eating a banana. He liked bananas. Much better than talking to that utterly mindless woman. 'If you like pain you should try wearing a corset,' was that the best the fool could come up with? Jack had met drowning kittens with a better wit. But what got him was how she paused after she said it, as if she was waiting for everyone to stop what they were doing and laugh. And, he had it on good authority that she slept with makeup on. The skank. 

Jack threw his banana peel in a pile in the corner and started on another. His lackeys were milling about in the background, doing the sort of pissant duties he gave them. If only he had his old captain's lackeys… they were great. Especially the one with the wooden eye who used to work in an office. He was legend. But, like the rest of Captain Barbossa's men, he had died when the Aztec's curse had been broken. Jack was the only smart one. He had waited until no one was looking and stolen another gold coin, invoking the curse upon himself yet again. Now there was nothing The Annoying Woman's sweetheart could do to stop him. Ha. Hahahahaha. Jack had to cackle mentally, because the banana prevented him from laughing out loud. If you have ever tried to do an evil laugh whilst eating a banana then you will understand Jack's predicament.

* * *

'How do pirates navigate their ships?' 

Gillette regarded Will for an instant. How should he know how pirates navigated their ships? He could care less; after all, he was pretty sure it didn't involve shaving.

'They use the stARRRRS!' Will giggled in a way worryingly similar to Laurentina May. Gillette blinked. 'See, it's a joke,' Will explained, taking the man's silence as an indication that he didn't understand the concept of 'joke.' This was a good bet, actually, since Gillette is English.

Gillette and Will were on the deck of the Pearl, which was still tied to the Ludicrous, bobbing in the Spanish harbour. Jack was pacing below deck, he had a lot on his mind and anyway, pirates are not well loved by the Spanish every since that whole Sir Francis Drake/Spanish treasure ship thing awhile back. Being in Spanish waters made the Captain nervous. As soon as Anna-Maria and Norrington worked out where the 'little monkey' was hiding Elizabeth then they could set sail, but not before. And since the author of this fic had not provided the characters with any clues as to the location of Jack's Lair, it was taking a long time for Anna-Maria and Norrington to figure out.

'See, pirates say 'arrrrg,' right? And so, it's a joke, see, because it's like 'stars' but it's 'starrrrrrrs' because that's more piratical.' Will spoke very slowly so that Gillette could understand. Gillette just thought Will had been hit in the head by the mast and that's why he couldn't speak at a proper speed.

'Commodore Norrington says that I am not allowed to fraternise with pirates, and he also says that you are a constant affront to his manliness so I am not allowed to talk to you.' Will bit his lip in a way that would have made fangirls the world over swoon. He picked up a small book which Gillette had failed to notice and opened it to a bookmark with a treasure chest on it.

'This is my book of pirate jokes. Anna-Maria gave it to me. It was going to be a Christmas present for Tina, but she let me have it early because she thought it would cheer me up…. After…. After…..' Will's eyes were starting to tear up. He looked rather like a little puppy which had been kicked repeatedly. 'after Elizabeth le…left….me,' and with that the blacksmith began sobbing openly, flinging himself into Gillette's arms and burying his head on the man's shoulder. 'She left me!' he wailed.

It was then that Captain Jack Sparrow finished his pacing and came above deck. He stopped in his tracks and sent Gillette a look that would not only have killed but would have cut someone into little pieces and fed them to pigs. As Will continued to sob, Jack strode forward, grabbed the young man by the scruff of the neck, and yanked him off Gillette.

'You,' the Captain snarled, 'will never again lay your filthy Royal Navy hands on what's mine….savvy?' Gillette gulped. He would much rather have been shaving.

'Excuse me,' came Norrington's English drawl, 'is there a problem, pirate?' Norrington pronounced 'pirate' with more scorn that if he'd been discussing an infectious disease.

Jack began to move his hands around in a drunken fashion, indicating that he was about to give an impassioned speech. Fortunately, right at that moment Anna-Maria came up behind Norrington and laid a hand on his arm. 'I am sure this is all just a misunderstanding.' She turned to Jack, Gillette, and Will, who was laying in a heap on the floor whimpering pathetically. 'Isn't that right, boys?' Norrington and Jack glared at each other.

'Filthy pirates,' Norrington muttered.

'What the Commodore means to say is that we've located Elizabeth's kidnapper's secret lair. It turns out he dropped one of his business cards in Raul's house. It seems that he has taken her to…' Instinctively Anna-Maria waited for a drumroll or some sort of dramatic music. All she got was some Spanish sailors cursing in the background. She coughed and continued. 'He's taken her to London.'

'And,' Norrington was glaring at Gillette, 'if I catch you fraternising with pirates again, I will see to it that you get no tea.' Gillette nodded, but he wasn't too bothered. No tea was bad, but no shaving was worse. 'Come, now, Gillette, we must get back to the Ludicrous if we are to sail to London. And have our daily lime. I shall not have my First Mate dying of scurvy at a key moment.'

The two Officers left, and Anna-Maria went to check the Pearl's preparations. Jack walked to where Will was crying and sat down, pulling the chocolate-eyed man into an embrace. He began to stroke his hair as Will cried into his chest. 'Shhhh….' Jack had never been very good at comforting people, preferring to pillage them instead, but he was doing his best.

Finally, Will stopped crying enough to speak. 'I'm a bad husband,' he moaned. 'She left me because I'm a bad husband…. Just like I'm a bad pirate.' Will wiped his eyes on Jack's piratical shirt.

'Is that why you're upset?' The Captain lowered his voice, 'because of what Norrington said?' Will nodded. Jack decided that Will looked as deliciously ravage-able when he was crying as he did when he was confused. Possibly more so. 'Don't listen to Norrington. He's got a bloody ice-cream scoop for a wig. And besides, he's just sore that Elizabitch- er, beth married you and not him.'

Will was still in Jack's arms, but the young man had straightened up and was fidgeting with his '1001 Piratical Jokes Ending with Arrr!' book. 'She should have married Norrignton…' he said sadly.

'Will, don't say that!' Jack grabbed his shoulders and forced the young man to meet his eyes. 'If Elizabeth loved Norrington, she would have gone off with him and not that Spanish…. tutor. The truth is… Elizabeth's the kind of girl who is never satisfied. When we were stranded on the island, and she burnt the rum,' Will was looking at Jack with a sort of keen intensity, hanging on his mentor's every word. 'I tried to make a move on her. And she rebuffed me, but,' Jack swallowed, 'She was definitely flirting with me. It is my belief that she married you because she wanted to annoy her father and the Commodore. Honestly, you're better off without her.' Jack had moved his face very close to Will's. Then, without thinking, Jack plunged forward and pressed his lips against Will's.

The kiss was not the sort that will go down in history as one of the Greatest and Most Romantic Kisses of All Time. It's true that Jack was in heaven, but Will was in a sort of confused daze of 'why is Jack trying to give me mouth-to-mouth?' This lasted for only a split second, because it was then that the Ludicrous began sailing out of port, tugging the Pearl along. The sudden movement knocked Will onto his back and Jack landed on top of him. This might have been more romantic had the movement not also knocked Laruentina May's pet cannonball loose. The ball promptly rolled into Will, who yelped loudly and pushed the Captain off of him. 'Where did that cannonball come from?' he sat up, looking around.

Laurentina May was standing a few feet away, pointing at Jack. 'Mr Pirate! Give me back Martin!' Jack glared at the little brat. In answer, she continued, 'Martin is the best and cutest cannonball in the world! Anna-Maria said I could play with him if I promised to stay 10 feet away from her at all times!' She bounced over to where a very annoyed looking Jack was pushing 'Martin' with his foot and wondering if he could kick it at Elizabitch's spawn, as he thought of Laurentina May.

'You like cannonballs?' asked the Captain. He got a happy nod in response. 'You can be one, one day, if you'd like.' Unfortunately, Tina decided that _now_ was the time to become a cannonball. She barrelled straight ahead into Jack, throwing the whole of her weight on the Captain's knees. He stumbled backward and fell. Tragically, he did not fall on Will.

Will was still considering the kiss/mouth-to-mouth. 'Jack,' he began, 'I think it would work better next time if you opened your mouth.' Will had learnt this on the two-day life-guarding course he had taken a few years ago. The Captain stared at him in wide-eyed shock.

Laurentina May skipped forward and grabbed Martin. She resolved to go find Mr Pirate Who No One Cares About. As it turns out, Gibbs was below deck in a dark corner writing angsty poetry such as:

'A pirate I be,

But no one loves me.

I wish I were dead,

Or asleep in bed.'

Gibbs had also stolen a pair of Anna-Maria's piratical trousers. Gibbs decided that the way to express his dissatisfaction with the world was to wear girly trousers. Unfortunately for Gibbs, Anna-Maria's trousers were actually men's trousers, since women's trousers hadn't been invented yet. Gibbs was truly ahead of his time.

The Ludicrous was now getting up to full speed, and the Pearl was bobbing along after it. Anna-Maria had seen to it that Raul had stayed on the Pearl so she could find out if he knew any more information about Elizabeth's abduction. Raul was standing on the prow of the ship when Will approached him very slowly.

'Um…' Will was clearly not happy speaking to Elizabeth's lover. 'Here. These are yours.' He held out Rauls' pair of black silk boxers at arm's length. Raul shrugged.

'It is… it is fine. Keep them.' The men regarded each other.

'Er,' Will glanced away, 'is that a lime in your pocket or are you just…?'

'Oh, yes, it is a lime.' Raul pulled a lime from his trouser pocket. 'The Ice-Cream Cone Headed Englishman gave it to me to keep me from getting scurvy. Do you pirates not eat limes?'

'No, I don't think pirates can get scurvy.'

'Then I will not eat limes either. They are disgusting and sucking them makes you…how do you say… have strange facial expressions.' Raul chucked the lime over the side of the Pearl and it made a small plop.

Elizabeth's husband and lover looked at each other in a moment of awkward truce. Random Pirate 4, who was always getting stuck in the bloody Crow's Nest, cried out, 'Land! I see England!'

'This is, how do you say, very fast.'

'Yes,' answered Will, 'it's actually ludicrously fast.'

'That must help with the advancement of the plot.'

Will nodded. 'But sometimes I get the impression that the Captain would rather be stranded at sea with me for months at a time.'

Raul would have informed the boy that that's because Jack is in love with him and wants the chance to 'pillage' him with his 'special pirate sword,' but Anna-Maria ran up and grabbed both men by the arm.

'There you two are! We'll be in England soon and we have to go over the plan for rescuing Elizabeth!' In the background, Gibbs and the Captain were both standing around sulking. In Jack's case, because the last thing he wanted was Elizabitch on board the ship, and Gibbs because that's what he does. That, and have sense of forebodings and bad feelings and all that.

Meanwhile, on the Coast of England, amongst young ladies chasing after Royal Navy officers screaming, 'The Officers! The Officers!' one of Jack's minions saw the approaching ships and turned to report back at the Secret Lair.

As the ships drew nearer to the coast, Will turned back to Raul and said, 'How do pirates measure their sails?' He paused, 'by the yARRRRRRRRd.'

* * *

Please, please review. Or suggest your own 'arrrg' jokes for our beloved Will.  



	7. Seven

Author's Note: Again, thank you to my reviewers. I love you guys! Another thank you to the girls in my school who I have forced to read this, especially to the ones who have reviewed or helped me by talking about my plot with me. And some good news: I was going to make this chapter twice as long but I decided to keep it shorter (it's still my longest chapter yet) and post another update soon.

Special Warning: This chapter is basically filler. Get used to it. And I still don't own Will and Jack and Norrington.

* * *

Anna-Maria had a bad feeling which she couldn't place. Finding the business card had been convenient. Too convenient, a nagging suspicion told her. She had picked it up from the floor of Raul's house, where it had been left on a pile of strange and exotic underwear for men. She hadn't wanted to touch the card, actually, and she'd completely forgotten about it when Gibbs had come in displaying his new eye-makeup. She hadn't remembered about the card until several hours into her planning meeting with the Commodore. 'Why would the monkey leave a business card with his name (Jack the Monkey, Esq.) with a detailed map to his Secret Lair?' she wondered. Even more suspiciously, Jack had scrawled across the card in red ink, 'Ha ha ha you mindless fools. I have kidnapped the Woman and you will never see her again. Unless you come to my Secret Lair (see map on reverse of card) and attempt to rescue her. Ha ha. Jack xx'

Something told Anna-Maria that it may be a trap. She wasn't sure what gave her that idea. In other circumstances she might have questioned the matter further, maybe said something to her Captain. But the truth was Anna-Maria was distracted. There was just something about Norrington. Or 'James,' as he had allowed Anna-Maria to call him after one of their sessions of trying to formulate a plan and generally be useful to the plot. (an idea that seemed to have escaped the Captain and Will.) Anna-Maria sighed. James Albert Edward Charles Henry Thomas William Matthew Phillip Andrew Arthur Theodore Norrington. She was sighing not only because of the sheer English-osity of the Commodore's name, but because of the seeming impossibility of her crush. She was, well, a 'vile pirate.' Anna-Maria sighed again. If she wasn't careful she'd turn into another Gibbs.

She couldn't explain what appealed to her about the Commodore. Perhaps there was the whole 'forbidden fruit' aspect. But also, he was utterly different from all the men she'd met before. All the men she'd met before were of a more piratical leaning. Pirates tended to be, among other things (eg smelly, missing teeth), a bit selfish. They didn't often worry about what happened to the people they'd pillaged and after all, the famous Pirate Code was actually more of a guideline thing than actual rules. But James, well, he put the needs of others above his own. It was truly admirable. He was so completely in love with Elizabeth that he'd let her be with Will and be happy rather than marry him and be miserable. And now, the Commodore blamed Will for Elizabeth's relationship with Raul. Anna-Maria felt a twinge of pity for the Englishman. And here her Captain thought he owned the market on being miserably in love with someone untouchable. Not that Will was untouchable, exactly. Anna-Maria had assumed that the men would become lovers almost immediately. She really hadn't counted on Will's…. well, heterosexuality wasn't the right word for it, since Anna-Maria didn't think Will was heterosexual. But lately she'd begun to have her doubts that he was homosexual either. The best she could think of was that he was some sort of asexual thing… like a plant, or fungus. Her opinion was that the Captain probably could sleep with him if he just tried a bit harder. She reconsidered. The Captain _was _trying, it's just that every time he got close, that bloody pint-size Will in a dress minus facial hair seemed to spoil it.

Still, she couldn't help feeling a tiny bit jealous of the Captain. She shouldn't have done, though. Right at that moment, in his quarters in the Ludicrous, Commodore Norrington was experiencing and strange and new sensation. 'What is this?' he wondered. What it was was that he had a crush on Anna-Maria but Norrington didn't understand this yet. This is because Norrington was unfamiliar with the concept of 'emotions.' Norrington thought about Anna-Maria and he felt a bit tingly. 'Perhaps I have caught lice from the Disgusting Pirates,' he surmised. No, that wasn't right, he didn't feel itchy. 'Maybe I have scurvy.' That seemed a more likely possibility. He got a lime out of his Lime Drawer, which he kept locked.

In the First Mate's quarters, which were much smaller than the Commodore's, Gillette was shaving. He finished and admired himself in the mirror over his washbasin. He patted his cheeks. 'The best a man can get,' he said to himself.

Some readers might read that line, 'the best a man can get' and see it as some sort of slash innuendo. In fact it is not. Gillette is referring to his shaving technique, not his love-making ability. Gillette is not homosexual. Some readers may have assumed that because the pairing of this fanfic is Jack/Will that all the characters in this fic are homosexual. This is not the case. In fact, the only homosexual pairing in the fic is Jack/Will. So anyone who thought that Gillette and Gibbs would end up together or that Commodore Norrington was secretly in-love with Jack or that Anna-Maria and Elizabeth were going to become lovers is in for a sad disappointment. However, it should be noted that Gibbs, in addition to wearing girly trousers and eyeliner, has decided to no longer distinguish between genders because distinguishing between genders is something that his parents, who never loved him and never understood him and didn't let him go to Cynthia's party even though like everyone else was going, would do. This is actually rubbish because Gibbs isn't bisexual and only wants to pretend to be because he thinks it will get him more attention from women. Gibbs is sadly mistaken. There is absolutely nothing that Gibbs could do to get attention from women. Women only want to see pretty men together, like Will and Jack.

As the Ludicrous and the Pearl were coming ever-closer to the English shore, Jack was also in his quarters. He had finished his meeting with Raul, Anna-Maria and Will in which they had discussed their plan. Actually, they didn't have a plan. That was unlike Anna-Maria, he thought, not to have a plan. There was something unusual about her. For one thing, she looked like she'd been washing more often than was strictly necessary for a pirate. In any case, the 'plan,' if it could be called that, was that everyone (Norrington, Gillette, Jack, Anna-Maria, Will, Raul and Gibbs, if he ever came above deck) would approach Jack's Secret Lair as the map on the business card directed them to. They will all then sort of sneakily try to jump out at Jack, overpower him, and rescue Elizabitch. This will be possible, Anna-Maria told them, because they will have the element of surprise on their side.

But Jack had a problem. He was reapplying his eyeliner and being miserable. There was no way in hell he was going to let Elizabitch onto his ship. He knew that once she was rescued she would sink her evil little claws into his Will and the two would go back to Port Royal and probably have loads more kids. Jack glared. He had to glare around the room since no one was there for him to glare at, but still. Then, a cunning plan began to take shape in the Captain's mind. Jack had a cunning plan. It was as cunning as a fox that who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University. What if instead of rescuing her he….. didn't rescue her? No, Jack scolded himself, that was a rubbish plan. What Jack needed was a really cunning plan. As cunning as a fox what used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University but has moved on and is now working for the U.N. at the High Commission of International Cunning Planning. Yes, that was the sort of level of cunning Jack needed to employ. But first, rum. Jack scolded himself. This was no time for rum or other piratical things. This was time to figure out how to prevent his beloved from spending an eternity fathering Elizabitch's children. Then, in a moment of supreme inspiration, when the heavens themselves opened and a beam of light shown down onto the Pearl and seeped through the floorboards of the deck to scatter light around Jack's cabin, the Captain knew. He would make every effort to appear to rescue her. He might even actually succeed. But then, and this was the truly cunning part, he would see that she quickly… expired. Perhaps he would poison her food. Perhaps he would chuck her overboard when no one was looking. There was even a slight possibility that she might want to go back to Spain with her lover, although Jack didn't think so. (Jack couldn't understand why anyone would give up Will for Raul. Even if he did have exotic underwear.) Rescuing Elizabitch was something the Captain could do. After all, he had saved her life once before, when she'd plummeted from the cliff after Norrington proposed to her. Not that Jack could blame her for not wanting to be Mrs Ice Cream Cone Head. But Jack would be damn sure that useless woman never came near his Will again.

There was a knock on Jack's door, startling the pirate out of his meditation. (In this context, meditation means thoughts. Jack wasn't actually in a lotus position or anything. That would just be silly.) 'Jack, it's me,' Will called through the door. The next instant Will stuck his head inside. Jack shivered involuntarily. Will was wearing his little red (pink) scarf again. And his shirt was half undone.

"Jack, Anna-Maria says we need to make our final preparations." Once the ships were harboured at Brighton, the group would have to make their way to the outskirts of London, where the Secret Lair was. Anna-Maria and Commodore Norrington had decided the best way to do this was to rent carriages. Jack wondered briefly why Norrington had been so willing to work with them. Maybe, he thought, it was because he knew he needed their help in saving Elizabeth. Still, surely there would be some sort of reparation for the Commodore; one did not just work in league with pirates and then go skipping off to the Royal Navy ball. There was something going on, Jack decided, and he didn't know what it was.

"Jack, I," Will paused for a moment. He knew the Captain wasn't going to like his news, "Captain, I told Tina she could come with us to save her Mummy," Will pushed the door open further, to reveal the pintsize Will. She was wearing her father's Jack Wig. She'd also drawn on facial hair, but in the style of Jack rather than Will. She looked, Jack realized, like their daughter. Or what their daughter would look like if either Jack or Will had a uterus and ovaries. Jack's blackened piratical heart warmed a fraction. For about 0.0001 seconds. Then he remembered himself. "No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO, Will, you cannot bring that thing." Will and Laurentina May made the exact same sad-puppy face. Jack was helpless against Will's sad-puppy face.

"Pwease, Mr Pirate"' Laurentina May said, "Pwease let me come! I will bring Martin, the cutest cannonball in the world! Martin really wants to come!" Her bottom lip was beginning to shake. As was her father's.

"You know what? I don't actually care. Do whatever you want."

"Oh! Thank you Jack! You're the best friend I've ever had!" Will rushed forward and hugged Jack. Jack slowly wrapped his arms around the young man and pressed his cheek against his. Will's cheek was soft and his hair, Jack realized dreamily, smelled vaguely floral. The hug went on for longer than was strictly normal. Long enough for Laurentina May to wander into Jack's quarters and start jumping on his massive piratical bed. "Weee!" she giggled as she came very, very close to bumping her head on the ceiling. Jack didn't really notice as he was busy thinking about how soon Elizabitch would be gone for good and he would have Will all to himself. They probably could have stood like that for quite a bit longer, but the ships came to a very sudden stop.

'I think we've arrived at Brighton,' Will said into Jack's dreadlocks.

'Mmmm hmmm' Jack replied. Will let go of the Captain, pulled back and looked into the older man's eyes. "Jack, it means so much to me that you're willing to help me rescue my wife. I know you don't think that highly of her, but I realized I have to believe the best about her. I've loved her since I was twelve years old, and… well, anyway, thank you." Jack just did a characteristic piratical shrug. Like Norrington, emotions weren't his strongpoint. And anyway, the emotion he was feeling right now was glee. Glee in anticipation of his Cunning Plan. "Tina, come on!" Will said to his daughter, who jumped off Jack's bed and ran out of the door. As she passed by, Jack noticed that the child had a dagger shoved in a sash around her waist. The sash appeared to be made out of the same material as Will's scarf. Laurentina May picked up Martin, who she had created a carrying bag for out of one of Jacks' (not her father's, oh no, but one of _Jack's_) piratical shirts.

When they'd left, the Captain checked his reflection in the mirror one last time and then went to the area where the crew slept. It smelled a bit… iffy down that way. 'Gibbs!' Jack yelled. Gibbs was being included in the mission because otherwise there would only be six adults (Laurentina May does not count) and you can't have a party with only six people. It's seven or the whole thing is doomed to failure.

The Captain heard no response. 'GIBBS!' he shouted a bit louder. Still nothing. Annoyed, he walked nearer the area where the crew slept. Gibbs was kneeling in one of the top bunks putting up some sort of purple cellophane over the portholes. 'Gibbs, what the hell are you doing?' Jack asked tiredly. He could have tried to sound more piratical, but truth be told, he didn't feel like showing off if there was no one there to appreciate it. Gibbs obviously does not count as an audience.

'It's black-lighting, sir' explained Gibbs, who was putting up another sheet of the stuff.

'Gibbs, it's purple. Not black.' Gibbs rolled his eyes in response. Authority figures were just so _lame_.

'When the light shines through it will make everything in the room look different.'

'Gibbs, you're putting coloured sheets over the windows. Obviously it will look different. It will look stupid. And it's not a room; it's the bit of the ship where the crew sleeps. Now get on deck.'

'You're so mean! God! You never understand what I am saying! All the other Captains let their crews put up black-lighting! And anyway, it will make white things glow!'

'This is a pirate ship. Nothing on a pirate ship is white.' What Jack said is true. Not even 'white' pirate shirts are white; white things have to be washed often/ever and pirate shirts aren't. The reason they appear white is because of the contrast created by everything around them being so unwhite. This was one of the main reasons why Commodore Norrington hated pirates. That, and the fact when he was just a little boy, (whose mummy called him 'Jamie' and dressed him in a little sailor suit and gave him a large lollipop to lick) he had been taken him to the circus and he'd seen a pirate and the pirate had scared him and given him nightmares for the rest of his life, literally the rest of his life, he still sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night screaming that the pirates were going to get him…. Oh wait, that's clowns. Nevermind.

Gibbs threw the remaining black-lighting screening at Jack's feet and stormed off up to the deck. As he went, he muttered to himself about how everything was just so _unfair. _

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the Secret Lair, Jack's minions arrived exhausted and out of breath. They collapsed on the floor, panting, trying to get their leader to give them a drink of water before they shared their news. Instead he pelted them with banana peels until they talked.

'Sir, we've spotted them,' Pissant Number Seven gasped. He had ridden straight from Brighton to London, only stopping to change horses, and if anyone deserved a break and a cup of tea, it was Seven. Pissants Five, Twelve and Fifty-two, who had accompanied Seven from Brighton, could only nod along. 'Their ship was out in the water,' (as ships are wont to be,) 'and they will probably have landed by the time I tell you this.' With that, Pissant Number Seven died of exhaustion.

'Well, then we do not have much time to make our preparations.' Jack looked around. Truth be told, much of his preparations had already been made. The trap was laid, the manacles for the prisoners were ready, and his victory speech in which he revealed his evil plans was written and folded in the top drawer of his desk. As he reflected, Pissants Five, Twelve and Fifty-two were being given water by some other minions who were so unimportant that they didn't have numbers.

Jack was annoyed. He was annoyed because he had been busy. Busy with his new action figures. He had one of Jack Sparrow and one of Will Turner. They waved their swords when you squeezed their legs together. They only moved their swords up and down. Jack did not think they were very intimidating. Also, the Will Turner one had an overly manly jaw. Whoever had made the action figures, Jack decided, had thought that Will was too much of a Nancy-boy and so had made him more masculine. This amused Jack greatly. What did not amuse Jack was that there was no action figure of him.

* * *

Meahwhile, back at Brighton, the Ludicrous and the Pearl had landed. Jack, Will, Anna-Maria, Norrington, Gillette, Gibbs, Raul, Laurentina May and Martin were trudging up the pebbly beach. Norrington had decided not to bring any of his soldiers with him. This was because he didn't want witnesses if he was going to work with the likes of Captain Jack Sparrow. Actually, Norrington refused to think of him as Captain Jack Sparrow and just thought of him as the 'Vile Pirate.' 'Captain Jack Sparrow' implies that the Vile Pirate has a name and a rank and that Norrington has heard of him.

'Tea!' Norrington called, when they had gotten off the beach. 'I must have tea!'

'Rum!' Called Jack, 'I must have rum! Lots and lots of rum!'

'New razor-blades!' That was Gillette, predictably. Everyone looked at him. You can't drink razor-blades, after all.

'Boys!' Anna-Maria always called them 'boys,' even though they were all adult men. It was so she could be more condescending to them. 'We should save Elizabeth first and then get tea and rum second.' No one argued. This was because Will and Jack and Gibbs were used to doing everything Anna-Maria told them. And also because Norrington found himself incapable of arguing with her. And because Raul really just wanted to save Elizabeth and also his English wasn't too great.

'Right.' Norrington nodded. 'We should rent carriages to take us to the Secret Lair.' Conveniently, two carriages pulled up right exactly at that moment.

One of the drivers called, 'Hello, good Sirs and Ladies. Are you going, per chance, to the Secret Lair of Jack the Monkey?' Everyone nodded. 'Would you like us to take you there at a discounted rate?' The other driver glared at the one who was speaking. The first driver coughed and said, 'er, I mean, for free?'

'My, what a helpful coincidence!' Remarked Anna-Maria. Her brain, meanwhile, filed this away with the note and map from Jack as things which seem 'slightly suspicious.'

'Pirates in one carriage, Royal Navy in the other?' asked Gillette. He assumed that's what the Commodore would want.

'Uh, no, actually,' began Norrington, 'I think, that is, it would be prudent if the only people who are capable of anything regarding the plot be in one carriage,'

Anna-Maria finished his sentence, 'and the people who just faff around all the time be in another,'

Norrington continued, 'so that way the people with something to contribute to the plot don't get weighed down by the people who just want to angst and try to get with people.'

'Because the people who are useful to the plot do not want to get with anyone. No. Not at all. That is not what they want to do' Said Anna-Maria.

'Exactly,' said Norrington.' And with that, they both ran forward, knocked into each other, apologised like awkward teenagers, got in the carriage, and drove off.

Everyone else wandered toward the second carriage in a way that suggested that none of them were tapped into the author's Greater Plan for the Plot. Will noticed the badge sown on the driver's sleeve and remarked on it.

'Wow, that's so funny that you have a picture of an evil monkey on your uniform!' he said. The driver made a guilty expression. Jack had told them before they left to put on a disguise so no one would know the carriage divers worked for him.

And with that, the second carriage started toward The Secret Lair.


	8. Eight

Author's note: Hello everyone. I'm very sorry about the whole 'I will update again soon' thing. Basically, I came home from England, where I had lived for a year, and this sort of got put on the back burner. Three weeks after getting home I started a 24 hr a day job as a teaching assistant and camp counsellor. Two days after that ended I started at University. Since then I've been… well… universitying it up. But fear not! THIS IS THE END! That's right, I decided to end in one big chapter. A sequel one day? Maybe.

As an aside, I am curious to know how you felt about the second Pirates movie. Let's just say I was not amused by Elizabitch's complete and utter ho-iness. In a strange way that almost makes my Raul situation seem more likely.

Disclaimer: I still don't own PoTC. If I did, the second film would have gone like this:

Elizabeth: Jack, we're the same! make out  
Jack: Ew, get off of me. Yes, we are the same in that we both want to get with Will.  
Elizabeth: Actually I am a complete whore and get with anyone who moves.  
Jack: pushes Elizabitch over the side of the ship where she is devoured by the Cracken  
Will: Oh Jack! You're so strong and manly! Pounces on Jack

Ahem. At least Norrington was cool in the second movie.

* * *

It was dusk when the carriages pulled up outside the Secret Lair. The passengers knew they had arrived because there had been signs for the entire journey: 'Jack the Monkey's Secret Lair, Take a Left!' and 'If you are planning a daring rescue mission, continue straight.' Outside the lair itself was a sign made out of blinking lights which said 'SECRET LAIR.' The lair appeared to be a cave. Next to the cave was a greenhouse with banana trees growing inside. 

"Wow, it's only dusk," said Will as he jumped out of the carriage. He also had the strange desire to say, 'the stars are veiled' or something about blood being spilt. He didn't know why. He held up his arms and Laurentina and Martin jumped down.

"We got here very quickly, no?" Raul said in heavily-accented English.

"Yes, these carriages seem to be powered by the same force that enables the LFSSRTTP to move so quickly," observed Jack. This was an unusual thing for the Captain to say; it implied that he was actually paying attention. He realised this and decided to remedy it by taking a huge swig of rum from the bottle he had found in the carriage. He had been taking such sips all the way from Brighton to the Secret Lair.

Gillette climbed out of the carriage and looked around. "Where's the Commodore?" he asked to no one in particular. Actually, he was rather hoping the Commodore didn't appear just yet; Gillette had to compose himself. You see, Gillette had broken the Commodore's Rules About Pirates. Not that it was Gillette's fault. The carriage ride had been something like this:

"What is a pirate's favourite planet?" Will had asked.

Gillette, mindful of the Commodore, had remained silent. Raul looked at Will quizzically, as if trying to figure the young man out. Jack was playing with a bottle of rum he had found under the seat. This playing mostly consisted of drinking in large quantities. Gibbs sulked in a corner.

"Maaaaaarrrrrrrrrrs!" Giggled Will. Laurentina May started laughing. They were seated on opposite sides of the carriage so the effect was a rather school-girlish giggle produced in surround sound. "What is another name for a pirate ship?" he had continued.

Gillette couldn't help himself. In his most detached British voice he said, "barge?"

Will nodded enthusiastically. "Where do pirates take their kids?"

"The park?"

"What did the pirate use to patch up the whole in his ship?"

"A tarp?"

And so on, for the entire ride. So, it really wasn't Gillette's fault. It's not like he intended to spend several hours guessing punch-lines involving 'arrrrrg' but he just couldn't help it.

"I think the Commodore is still in the carriage with Anna-Maria," said Will, pointing to where the other carriage was parked. The windows were steamy.

Suddenly the door opened and Norrington stepped out. "Right, then, we'd better, erm, rescue whatshername," said the Commodore.

Will said "Elizabeth" at the same time that Gillette said, "Sir, your wig is on crooked" and Jack said, "Why is the rum gone?" in a forlorn voice, shaking his empty bottle sadly.

Anna-Maria emerged from the carriage behind the Commodore, straightening her skirts. Anna-Maria had to wear a skirt because Gibbs had stolen her trousers.

Commodore Norrington reached up and adjusted his wig. He had a very strange expression on his face. It was a look Gillette had only ever seen when the Commodore was drinking tea.

Will bounced from foot to foot. Finally, they were going to save his beautiful wife! And then all of this horrible business with Raul could be straightened out. Since Will's comrades had explained Elizabeth's betrayal to him, often resorting to diagrams and puppet shows to make it easier to understand, Will had tried to be angry with her. But he just couldn't do it. They made Elizabeth sound like some sort of… some sort of…. Tart. Elizabeth wasn't like that, Will told himself. Just because she abandoned Norrington for him at the drop of a hat didn't mean that she'd really meant to leave him for Raul…. Did it? No matter. Will was going to rescue her and that was that.

And so our heroes, Norrington, Anna-Maria, Gillette, Will, Raul, Laurentina May (and Martin), A very drunk Jack and Gibbs I guess (although I don't really care) made their way toward the entrance of Jack's lair. Immediately inside the cave's mouth, they had to stop and take an elevator down to the Lair Proper. This is because non-subterraneous lairs are lame. Gillette remarked that the elevator music was quite cheery and Raul agreed.

Meanwhile, Frank, the Security Guard, notified Jack of their arrival. The announcement was met with cheers from Jack's minions. The minions had been standing around in apparently non-chalant poses for about three hours. Their sword-arms were starting to get tired.

The elevator came to a halt and beeped. Jack, who was in front of the doors, blinked in the semi-darkness favoured by villains for their lairs. It was a harsh contrast to the brightness of the elevator. When his eyes adjusted, and this took a while since he was pissed off his head, he noticed that they had apparently stumbled into a large group of minions.

The minions were perfectly posed. They were glancing over their shoulders, swords drawn, grinning madly. Norrington had the strange feeling that the minions had known someone was going to attempt a daring rescue via the elevator and had been waiting around the door for the ambush, but he didn't have time to say anything about this feeling because it was at that moment Jack scrambled down from one of the walls, landing in the midst of his minions.

"Well, well, well," said Jack, his obnoxiously villainous English accent sounding crisp and clean. "How did you ever find me? You have caught us very much unawares. Oh drat." Jack once read a book called, 'How to be a bad guy' and was implementing all of its advice. Jack cleared his throat, "Seize them!"

Our heroes drew their swords and charged forward. Captain Jack collided into several of the minions, and flailed out with his piratical sabre. Because of the rum, he had the impression he was sword-fighting five of the men when actually there were only three. Predictably, Jack got a lot more hits on the imaginary minions than on the real ones. Which is a shame because the real ones got a lot more hits in on _him_.

"YARRR!" Screamed Will as he attacked wildly. Now, Will was normally a very good fighter. But since becoming a pirate Will had decided that the way to achieve maximum piraticalosity was to wave a sword around seemingly at random and pretend you were drunk. So rather than actually fighting, Will was doing one of his Jack Sparrow impressions. Laruentina May, however, had sunk her teeth deep into the leg of one of the men who were attacking her father.

Gillette was attacking everyone. With a baguette. The reader may pause and wonder why an Englishman would have such a French weapon. Gillette is actually half-French, on his mother's side. When he was leaving the Ludicrous, he drew a baguette instead of a sword and put it in his scabbard. This is a very common mistake in France. The reason Gillette was so distracted was that he had been shaving, of course, and shaving sort of occupies all of Gillette's attention at any given moment. In fact, Gillette did not even notice that it was a baguette he was using to fence with until someone sliced off a chunk which went flying into Gibbs's head.

Norrington and Anna-Maria, who can usually be counted upon to be doing something productive and intelligent, were fighting back to back. With a crash, Jack went down, apprehended by the attackers who weren't figments of his drunken fancy, and the noise startled Anna-Maria. She spun around to come to the Captain's rescue, and in doing so, let her own guard down. In an instant there was a blade pressed to her throat.

"Don't hurt her!" screamed Norrington, dropping his own sword. Will would have grimaced at seeing the sword he laboured on crashing to the floor of the Lair, but he was too busy screaming 'Arg! Avast! BRING ME MY CHUM BUCKET!' to notice. Gibbs had never really tried to fight. Instead, he was sitting in a dark corner working on his latest song and being pelted in the head by sections of Gillette's ever decreasing weapon. The Minion, number thirty nine, whose leg Laurentina May had been biting, finally shook her off. She flew into her father, knocking him to the ground.

The minions circled as one by one Elizabeth's would-be rescuers were disarmed/disbreaded. "Well, well, well," Britished Jack, "It seems I have captured all of you. Ha, ha ha, ha." He allowed himself a few villainous laughs before continuing. "Now," Jack reached into his furry pocket to find his victory speech. It wasn't there. Actually, it was folded in the top drawer of his bureau where he'd left it. Realising this, Jack ordered the prisoners taken to the cell which was already prepared.

"And it's not even the one with your precious Woman!" Jack laughed. Acutally, The Annoying Whore was locked in solitary confinement since she had been trying to use her non-existent cleavage to convince the Minions to release her. Jack had had just about enough of her. (Both Jacks, actually, had had just about enough of her.) For a woman who had no breasts whatsoever and had to resort to painting them on, she sure shoved herself out of her corset a lot, thought Jack(s).

Into the cell were locked Laurentina May, who the shackles were way too big for, Anna-Maria, Norrington, Gillette, Jack, Will, and Gibbs. They were sitting down, chained to the wall. It was far too close to each other than many of them wanted to be. (And as a general rule, no one wants to be that close to that many pirates.) "Has anyone seen Raul recently?" asked Gillette. Everyone shook their heads. "Hm, that's strange."

"So…. Can we rescue my wife now?" asked Will.

"We're in prison, you utterly brainless dolt, we can't rescue anyone! Don't you see! It was a trap! Now we're going to die! And I won't even get to have a cup of tea before I am sent to the big Royal Navy ship in the sky!"

"Hey!" Jack was starting to sober up. Jack can actually be quite dangerous when he is sober, which is why Jack the Monkey had seen to it that the carriage was stocked with rum. Allowing Jack to be drunk out of his mind was a good insurance policy when it came to winning fights. "There's no reason to be talking to Will like that!" Jack attempted to scoot closer to the young blacksmith but the manacles prevented it.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I hope I didn't offend you, Vile Pirate, by calling your loverboy a stupid, moronic, foolish waste of oxygen!" Norrington was in a bad mood, and whenever he was in a bad mood, making fun of pirates and their lovers filled him with immense satisfaction.

"Well at least Will doesn't look like a giant ICE CREAM CONE with that silly wig you've got!" Jack shouted back. Laurentina May giggled and said, "Mr Ice Cream Cone Man!" happily. Then she went back to looking at the vast array of torture devices Jack seemed to have accumulated. They interested her greatly.

"You mean my HYGENIC wig? That's WHITE so you KNOW IT IS CLEAN?" Norrington screamed. Jack self-consciously raised a manacled hand to his dreadlocks. A small crab scuttled over his fingers and back into his hair, having found a bit of food with which to feed its family.

"Well, _Commodore_," began Jack, no longer shouting but equally angry, "last time I checked, Commodores weren't even a real rank. They're only assigned during times of war. No one gets promoted to Commodore for any length of time. What's the matter? No one wanted to make you an Admiral so they had to give you a fake promotion instead? That's really too bad…"

"Commodore is too a real rank! At least I am not a vile pirate!" Norrington was panting now, and Anna-Maria was trying her best to calm him, resting her hand on his shoulder. "I HATE PIRATES!" he screamed at the top of his lungs, creating a echo that bounced around the prison. "And another thing!" He turned to Gillette. "A baguette! Is that the best you could do?"

He stopped when they heard a crash from outside the cell. From what appeared to be a secret passage emerged Raul. In his hand was a ring of keys. Raul ran to the barred door and held up the keys happily.

"Hola!" He said. "I sneaked away when the fighting started so I could steal the keys. But now I have come to rescue you!"

And with that he fell flat on his face, dead as a doornail.

"What just happened?" asked Will, who was unconsciously leaning on Jack's shoulder.

"Raul just died of scurvy," said the Commodore. "And that, boys and girls, is why it is always important to suck limes."

"I wish I were dead," said Gibbs from the corner. "No one understands me."

"No one cares, Gibbs," said Jack.

"Exactly," said Gibbs.

A rat ran over to Raul's body and began investigating. Gibbs thought it was a beautiful metaphor for the meaning of life. Our heroes did not have time to ponder Raul's failed rescue of their failed rescue party, because precisely at that moment, two of Jack's minions appeared. Well, they didn't actually _appear_ per se. They sort of opened the door, the torches from the passageway causing them to be lit dramatically from behind. If they had actually appeared then that would just be plain silly.

The minions stepped over Raul's body and unlocked the door to the cell with their own set of keys. "Jack wants to see you now," one said. From the open door through which the minions had come could be heard something that sounded like a drugged cat being slowly being devoured by a swarm of Godzilla fleas. Also known as Elizabeth Swann's voice. "You won't get away with this, you stupid monkey!" she was screaming. "I am going to be saved!"

The minions pulled Gillette, Jack, Will, Anna-Maria, Norrington, Laurentina May (and Martin) and Gibbs toward the door. They were still manacled.

Upstairs, Jack was ready. He had found his speech in his chest of drawers and was ready to explain the ingenious way in which he was to extract revenge. Jack had had over four years to plan for this moment.

Jack's history is not a happy one. He was born on a small Caribbean island and captured as a child. Sold to a wealthy (English) family (which explains the accent) as a pet, Jack's name was first "Mr Silly." But that family had been plundered by the cursed crew of the Black Pearl, and Jack had met Barbossa, who had been like a father to the young, impressionable monkey. Now, Jack lived, or rather didn't live, since he was technically a zombie, but I suppose you could say he un-lived for revenge. Punishing those who took his surrogate father away from him had been his only thought for many long years. And now… now it was finally going to happen.

Jack cleared his throat. He had had the minions chain the prisoners in front of him. The Woman was there too, but he had had her gagged. Still, even looking at her made Jack want to drink a tankard full of draino and slit his wrists with one of Gillette's razors.

The edges of Jack's script were frayed with wear. He had practiced and practiced, so having it here was a mere formality. Not many people know this, but Jack sometimes gets stage fright, and so having the safety net gave him a sense of comfort.

"Four and a half years ago," he began. Laurentina May squirmed free of her manacles, but Jack barely noticed. She tugged Martin, in the bag she made from one of the Captain's fluffy shirts, away with her to investigate something shiny and sharp in the corner. "Four and a half years ago, you ended a man's life. That man was Captain Barbossa,"

"That man stole my bloody ship!" yelled Jack the Pirate. Jack the Monkey gestured to some minions to have him gagged. He continued, "Captain Barbossa was like a father to me. And he was brutally murdered by the man whose name I am forced to bear. And now, you, his accomplices in this heinous crime will all pay the price."

Meanwhile, Laurentina May had found her way up to the rafters. They were rotting away beneath her feet as she and Martin explored the attic area of the subterranean Lair.

Jack was still talking. "…limbs will be torn from your bodies, slowly, one at a time. Even then you will still not be able to understand the pain that I have endured-"

"I know all about pain!" screamed Gibbs. His black eyeliner was smudged. The Captain's however, was not. The minions gagged Gibbs.

Jack refocused his rage on Jack Sparrow. He would die first, Jack had decided, before he took revenge on those who helped him. He advanced toward the Captain. "I hate you," he clipped quietly, "I hate everything about you. You disgust me-"

"He disgusts everyone," said the Commodore. The minions gagged him too.

Jack didn't miss a beat. He stood on the ground, glaring up at the seated form of the pirate captain. "I detest you." Jack drew a very, very small sword from his belt. "And now, it the time has come for you to expire." He held the blade up, preparing to shove it deep into Jack's heart.

Martin slipped free and fell from the rafters, crashing down onto the monkey's head. Laurentina May jumped down after her friend, landing perfectly next to her father. "Mr Ice Cream Cone Man looks even more like an ice cream cone from above!" she giggled. Norrington swore into his gag.

Gillette was watching the squashed monkey with a keen interest. He was definitely still alive. Or at least, still undead. But he didn't appear strong enough to lift the cannon ball off of his head. He had become a squashed little monkey pancake.

Laurentina May grabbed the keys from one of the minions. All the minions appeared to have lost the will to fight. The truth is, Jack paid them below union wages and they were sick and tired of taking his constant abuse. For one thing, he called them all 'Minion Number Such-and-Such' or 'Pissant Number Blah.' As if their mothers never gave them Christian names! Also, there was no dental benefits. Once they saw their boss had been flattened, most of the minions wandered off. A few stayed behind to pillage the Secret Lair.

In a few minutes everyone was free and pulling the gags from their mouths. "Elizabeth! My love!" shouted Will, throwing his arms around his wife. She stood unresponsive in his hug, waiting until he finished.

"Where is Raul?" she demanded.

"He died of scurvy," Will told her, "but I forgive you. I love you!"

She ignored him. Drawing a breath to enable her to stick out her concave chest, she puffed herself up in what she thought was a seductive way and approached Captain Jack Sparrow. She ran a hand down his arm, batting her eyes girlishly. "Jaaaack," she purred, "I'm _so_ glad you saved me…."She used her arms to push her breasts together. This would have worked if she had had any, which she didn't.

Jack favoured her with a look of pure hatred. She got the message. Turning neatly, she puckered her already freakish lips at Norrington. He sneered. "Don't even try it. I am through with you." Anna-Maria took a step toward him, and he put his arm around her shoulders. Everyone gasped.

"Sir!" said Gillette, "Does this mean you are abandoning the life of a Officer of the King's Navy and plighting your troth with the likes of these pirates?"

Norrington grimaced. "Don't be silly, Gillette. I would never, ever, in a thousand years, EVER become a vile, disgusting pirate, wallowing in my own filth and flaunting the law."

"I am going to move to England," Anna-Maria said quietly, looking at the Commodore with a faint smile on her face. "I'm going to have a proper house, a proper bed, a proper bath, and proper food."

(Not that the English really have proper food, but that's another story.)

"How does it feel, Elizabeth?" Norrington said. "Now you know what it's like to be alone."

"I'm not alone," she turned again, this time to Will, who had been staring at her the entire time with a look of pure devotion. "Darling," she addressed her husband, "take me home?"

"Oh, Elizabeth!" he embraced her again, "I love you so much! I knew you cared only for me! I knew it! They tried to tell me you left me but I knew you wouldn't ever do that!" He began showering her face with kisses. Jack was visibly shaking.

"Will, get the hell away from her!" he shouted.

"Oh, Jack!" said Will, clutching his wife, "please, old friend, take us home to Port Royal?" his face was buried in Elizabeth's hair, so he didn't see the look of pure, unadulterated rage on Jack's face.

Jack turned away. Good God, how could life be so unfair? But wait! Jack remembered his cunning plan. "Ok, Will," he said, grinning. Soon, soon the bitch would be gone forever.

And so, our heroes saved Elizabeth once again. Norrington and Anna-Maria stayed on in England, where they bought a big house and had every luxury they could wish for. They were married, and two years after, Anna-Maria gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named James, for his father. Gillette became a Captain in his own right, and was given command of the Ludicrously Fast Ship Somehow Related to the Plot. After a few years, he retired young and started a razor company.

Gibbs gave up the piratical life for good. He moved to London where he started a band called, 'Sea Funeral for a Matey.' The band was moderately successful and Gibbs became an icon for emo pirates on both sides of the Atlantic.

Jack, Will, Elizabeth and Anna-Maria returned to the Pearl. Gillette towed them back across the Atlantic so they would get home faster. For the entire journey, Jack went out of his way to keep Will and Elizabeth apart. He frequently had Will swab the decks shirtless. Consequently Will's sunburn was very bad indeed.

Laurentina May was sad when the adults made her leave Martin pinning Jack to the floor of the Secret Lair. Once at sea, Elizabeth tried to pamper the girl, like a celebrity with a toy poodle, because she thought it would be endearing to do so. Little Tina ignored her, preferring to follow her father or Jack around saying, 'Arrrrg!' at random intervals and playing with the toy guillotine Will had anachronistically built for her.

Jack waited.

After a ludicrously fast crossing, Jack recognized a part of the Caribbean he knew all too well. He had had plenty of time to firm up his cunning plan. "Jack, I'm all burnt!" said Will one day. It was true. Will's torso was in bad need of aloe vera.

"Go to my cabin," Jack said. The Ludicrous had left them a few hours before, and so it was piratical business as usual aboard the Pearl. Elizabeth still believed Jack was taking her and her family home. "I will be down in a minute to help you with your burns." Will nodded. Jack was so very nice to him! "And you might want to take off the rest of your clothes and lay down on the bed," continued the Captain, "so I can… you know… help you."

Elizabeth was on the prow of the ship, looking at the island which the Pearl was approaching. Once Will was safely below deck, Cotton and the rest of the crew dropped the anchor.

Elizabeth spun around, finding Captain Jack Sparrow right behind her. "Well, we find ourselves alone, without your husband," Jack purred. Elizabeth, assuming the Captain meant to make sweet piratical love to her, licked her lips. She took a step forward and put her delicate hand on his chest.

"Oh, Jack, I knew you couldn't deny what was between us," she whispered. He smiled dangerously.

"No, Elizabeth, I can't go on lying to Will about my feelings." Elizabeth nodded. The Captain took her hands and pulled her toward the side of the ship. He leaned down and whispered into her ear, "for your sake, I hope this time you float," and with that, he pushed her overboard.

She made a loud plopping noise before bobbing up aside the Pearl. She was screaming. Jack looked down and gave a very piratical grin. "Elizabeth, you might recognize the island over there," he pointed to the small island she'd noticed earlier. "That is the selfsame island where you burned all my rum four and a half years ago." From his belt, he drew the pistol he had used to kill Barbossa. The one that had been left with him on the island. He loaded one bullet into it and threw it overboard. "For you, Elizabeth."

He laughed. "And this time, you stupid, useless bitch, on that island, THE RUM IS GONE!"

She was swimming toward where the pistol was floating. She grabbed it and started for the beach. Her skirts were weighing her down, but she was still managing to swim. She looked even more like drowned rat than normal.

"Goodbye, whore!" he shouted. "Now, I am going to go down to my cabin and rub aloe vera into your husband's perfect chest, and then I am going to do things to him that you never could!"

The anchor was taken up again, and the Pearl began sailing full-speed ahead toward Tortuga. Jack waited only long enough to see her arrive on the beach before he ran downstairs. Will was waiting for him. He had taken off all his clothing except the black silk boxers Raul had let him keep. Jack stopped in the doorway to his quarters (room) and raised an eyebrow rakishly. "Jack, where's Elizabeth?" asked Will. Jack grabbed a big tub of aloe vera from his shelf and locking the door behind him.

"Shhh, Will, you don't need to worry about Elizabeth ever again," and with that, the Captain pounced.

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